Mobius Flip

My Only Power

2010-05-23T08:27:00.001-05:00

Lack of power, that was our dilemma.
- Alcoholics Anonymous (the Big Book), page 45
*************************************************
By the time I finally admitted I was an alcoholic I was not really ashamed of the fact. On the surface, psychologically, that sounds like a good thing. What has very slowly been revealed to me is that in my case it indicates I never really (and by really, I mean really, REALLY - as in 100%) took Step One. Which also means I never really took Steps Two and Three.

From this statement I have no doubt that a long, philosophical, Big Book quotin', Big Book misquotin' alcoholic/addict discussion/debate could begin....and go on and on and on. But those of you familiar with alcoholics/addicts, and particularly their debates, will know that would be a tedious thing indeed. For that reason, it's a good thing this is a blog rather than a discussion group. But I digress, as predicted by this paragraph :-).

My point is that 6+ years ago I took Step One thoroughly enough to stop drinking and start getting sober. I did not take it thoroughly enough to not transfer my addictive behaviors to a different arena. In my case, (one of) the arena(s) was sexually acting out, aka sexaholism, aka going places I never thought I would go to do things I never thought I would do.

It has taken me a long time to admit I have a problem with sexually "acting out" (such a nice term). That's because I find the admission very shameful...shame much deeper than any I ever felt about being an alcoholic. In my case, my queerness (sorry Brad, the description works for me and I know you know I use it proudly, not disparagingly...it must be a generation thing) completely clouded the issue. And by clouded, I mean it gave me an excuse for my behavior. The excuse went something like this: "God made me queer (insert bisexual, gay, gay-ish, not entirely straight [my second-favorite], whatever term you like), society made me ashamed of what God made me, that shame made me behave in less than noble ways, but I am just trying to find myself and express who I am, so what I am doing is not really that bad...just don't ask my wife if she agrees...etc. etc. etc." You get the idea.

What I know today, May 23, 2010, is that I am powerless. Over everything. E V E R Y T H I N G. Between my ears lies something like a lump of shit, except much less useful than a lump of shit. And I must start my day, every day, realizing that fact. Completely. 100%. And I must do my very best to remember that fact throughout the day. The whole day. 100% of the day. Once I have surrendered, to the very best of my ability, the notion that I have power of my own, I must plug into the only source of power that works for me. The power of my Higher Power.

It just dawned on me that a more accurate name for my Higher Power is my Only Power.

This may or may not make sense to you. All I know is that I have lived this way, to the best of my ability, for the past two weeks. And I have lived two weeks without craving or obsessing about having anonymous sex with another man.

I'm not ashamed to say that fact makes for an incredibly good two weeks for this addict/-aholic.

Peace.

F

I'm Back

2010-05-15T07:29:00.000-05:00

I'm back. Not TRYING to be back. Just back.

With an updated understanding of acceptance, humility, gratitude, recovery, peace, serenity, alcoholism, addiction, lust, God, mobius strip as metaphor for life and a lot more.

I also have a healthy respect for the part this blog can play in my continued sobriety and recovery.

F

In Three Days, Three Years

2009-01-20T15:32:00.000-06:00

January 23 will mark the third birthday of this blog.

Happy Birthday, Flip!

I haven't read any of your old posts for a very long time. But if I remember correctly, when you first started this blog you had one overriding desire...to "right-size" the (in your eyes) major problematic circumstance of your life - that of being a not-entirely-straight man married to a woman. How's that going?

Hey, glad you asked. Today, as so often happens, I heard just what I needed to hear in an AA meeting. I heard that because of the gift I have been given through AA, my pain is now optional.

Truth. Like a dash of cold water to the face. Today I have a choice. I can surrender my will and my life to a Higher Power (a higher power I don't have to be able to understand or explain, by the way) and I can find serenity. Or I can hang on to my will (it's MY life, dammit!!!) and be on my own - subject to both fleeting pleasures and a pain that, in 50+ years, I have found no way to relieve other than by surrendering my life and my will to a Higher Power.

It's going very well, thank you.

Love and hugs to anyone who might read this.

F

I'm Leaving On Vacation. I'm Back. Sort of.

2008-12-06T01:36:00.000-06:00

Greetings.

I've long been in the posting doldrums. So what better time to ask Brad to reprise his role as Joan Rivers to my Johnny. I asked and he agreed. Yippee! I get some new posts out of the deal...and I hope this will also jump-start me out of my inactivity.

Cheers!

Into The Ditch

2008-07-11T16:17:00.000-05:00

First, thank you to my two readers, Brad and Cymber. You are both at the top of my blogland list. I appreciate the honesty and thoughtfulness of your comments. And I am grateful to count you both as friends.

Second, I talked about the narrow country lane. Earlier this week I drove straight into the ditch next to that country lane. It wasn't a slow drift. It was a sharp, quick turn of the wheel.

But I'm back on pavement now.

I'm a dangerous combination: a slow learner who thinks he can figure out anything. Like how a twelve step program works. Unfortunately for people like me, this approach makes it much harder to achieve the goal of a twelve step program - to have a spiritual experience which is (one of) the only solution(s) to the problem behavior.

I follow the simple directions in the book for a while, start feeling better, start feeling less than humble, and then decide I can figure it out. I want to figure it out because I think I can find "an easier, softer way." And because I am lazy and don't want to do the work I need to do to maintain my spiritual condition.

I'm a slow learner, so each time I forget what happened the last time. That I neither can nor need to figure it out, and that the result of this effort is always, ALWAYS, an excursion into the ditch (nil?).

I hope you both have a great weekend, and thanks again for the love you show me.

Hugz.

F

Cop Out

2008-07-03T07:22:00.000-05:00

Wow, talk about having your bubble burst.

Brad's assessment of the current state of my life (commenting on my last post):

"Just to go to meetings to deny that you are bisexual or homosexual to assure yourself that it is something that can be treated as an addiction seems like a bit of a cop out to me."

I appreciate comments on this blog - especially those that are the hardest to hear.

Coming from the reader who I believe knows me best, this one makes it crystal clear I have done a piss-poor job of communicating my thoughts, my decisions and my journey. So much so that this blog is likely a real danger to those I had deluded myself into thinking might find some hope here.

I don't know how else to say it. I am not denying my bisexuality / homosexuality. I am not trying to treat or alter that core part of my being. I am trying to deal with "life on life's terms" - some of which were dealt to me and some of which I have created through my own decisions.

I am trying to treat / alter my obsessive and harmful behavior - which I personally believe is not a direct result of my sexual orientation. (I'm the only admittedly non-straight guy I've encountered so far in SAA).

What I've learned: a blog is no substitute for a pair of moccasins and a mile-long track.

Bye.

F

Diagnosis

2008-07-02T16:52:00.000-05:00

In response to my last post, Brad asked, ”How does one determine and then define themselves as a sex addict?”

Here’s how I did it.

According to Dictionary.com:

Addiction: The condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or involved in something.

Check.

More relevant to me specifically, my SAA sponsor “qualified” me as a sex addict using three criteria, 1) powerlessness, 2) unmanageability, and 3) having a progressive condition potentially leading to death.

In this post, I will not bore you with sordid details other than to say that I qualified myself using these general examples:

Powerlessness: My repeated promises to myself to cease my behavior, followed often almost immediately by breaking those promises.
Unmanageability: The lengths I was going to in hiding and engaging in my behavior to the detriment (and endangerment in some cases) of my job, family and good sense.
Having a progressive and potentially fatal condition. Progressive: The increasingly unsafe situations in which I placed myself (and indirectly, others). Potentially Fatal: The abject hopelessness I increasingly felt about the whole situation led me to believe that at some point I might gather enough courage and insanity to kill myself, plus the increasing risk of contracting a fatal disease which could ultimately do the job for me.

Knowing Brad as I do, I think there might be more behind his question. We’ll see.

Cheers.

The Country Lane

2008-06-29T12:45:00.000-05:00

I often hear people with a few years' sobriety in AA mention that the road gets narrower the longer you stay sober.

Here's how narrow my road has become.

At the end of the day on Friday, after one of the most hellish days, and weeks, of my work life, I paused before fleeing the office to take a few moments to catch up on a few blogs. While doing this, I clicked on a "favorite" that I have not read for a while, but that well I remember occasionally contains an X-rated image of the blogger himself. Indeed, there were a couple of images, and this time even a very short, crude video of the blogger "pleasuring" himself to completion. I then navigated to a blog referenced in that posting, viewed one more picture of someone's "member" and closed down my browser.

Among the "bottom-line" behaviors (meaning engaging in them violates my sexual sobriety, or abstinence...like taking a drink in AA) I established for myself in my Sex Addicts Anonymous program is not viewing pornography.

Immediately after closing down the browser I called my SAA sponsor and left him a voicemail notifying him that I needed to reset my SAA "sobriety" date and giving him the details of what I had done.

I must admit that before calling him the thought crossed my mind, "Why not duck into the men's room and 'pleasure' myself (another bottom-line behavior) since I was having to reset my sobriety, or abstinence, date anyway?" But I realized that this would be identical to going on a binge after taking a couple of sips of an alcoholic beverage - an action that would lead to nothing positive.

There is a part of me that finds it humiliating to be in a position of calling someone to confess actions as personal and seemingly-harmless as my few minutes of browsing on Friday. And that's a good thing. I'm far from being humble enough.

And I want to get more humble, because there's another part of me that knows the serenity of neither engaging in nor having the slightest desire to engage in morally bankrupt and repeatedly unfulfilling behaviors which leave me with feelings of self-loathing.

The broad highway I navigated in AA has led me to the country lane of my current program of AA and SAA. This is not because the programs are fundamentally different. It is because in my case, working my AA program (which suggests I practice the principles of AA in all my affairs) allowed me to finally admit my powerlessness in controlling my sexual behavior, and once I took the step of asking for help I was graced with a very strict SAA sponsor.

More about that another day.

All the best to each of you.

F

Cease-Fire

2008-06-22T15:05:00.000-05:00

On page 84 of Alcoholics Anonymous (often referred to as "The Big Book") it says, "And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone--even alcohol."

One of my daily meditation reads is Daily Reflections, A Book of Reflections by AA Members for AA Members. Today's entry reads, in part:

I am learning to practice acceptance in all circumstances of my life, so that I may enjoy peace of mind. At one time life was a constant battle because I felt I had to go through each day fighting myself, and everyone else. Eventually this became a losing battle. I ended up getting drunk and crying over my misery. When I began to let go and let God take over my life I began to have peace of mind. Today, I am free. I do not have to fight anybody or anything anymore.

I should add that after giving up drinking I periodically (at times frequently) acted out sexually as another way of trying to fight the reality of my life...to fulfill needs that I did not see any other way of fulfilling.

For today I don't have to do that. Today I am enjoying the daily reprieve that can be mine every day I choose to practice the 12 Step principles in all affairs of my life.

I've recently had a blog "comment dialog" with Troll regarding, in part, the living of an authentic life. I'm pretty sure I don't know exactly how to define an authentic life, but the definition I'm choosing right now is a serene life. Or to be more specific, I am choosing for now to gauge the authenticity of the life I'm living by my level of serenity.

A lot of my serenity today depends on not fighting anyone or anything. I used to fight all the time. Fight my sexual preferences, the life I had chosen for myself, the blessings that were bestowed upon me, the love of others, the hatred of society. On and on, fight fight fight. For today, that's over. And when I feel that old fighting urge, I turn to page 84 in The Big Book and follow the prescription for a return to serenity. 1) I ask God to remove whatever is making me want to fight, which is always my selfishness, fear, dishonesty or resentment, 2) I discuss the situation with someone (like a sponsor or another alcoholic/addict), 3) I make amends if I have harmed anyone, and then 4) I turn my thoughts to someone else I can help (and take action on helping them).

So far, I don't take these steps often or quickly enough, but I'm getting a lot better at it and it is paying off in serenity. And my life feels pretty authentic today. I accept it, embrace it, the way it is playing out.

I'm sharing what's working for me. For today. I'm not "cured." I'm not "saved." And I'm surely not saying this will work for you. But if you're still fighting anyone or anything, don't give up. I know there is an answer for you too.

I hope all of you are having an authentically serene Sunday today - or whatever day today is when and where you are reading this.

I love you guys ("guys" in a non-gender-specific way).

F

Surrender

2008-06-18T16:50:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite daily meditation books is The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie.
The entry for June 17 summarizes quite nicely where I am in my journey.

June 17

Surrender

Master the lessons of your present circumstances.
We do not move forward by resisting what is undesirable in our life today. We move forward, we grow, we change by acceptance.
Avoidance is not the key; surrender opens the door.
Listen to this truth: We are each in our present circumstances for a reason. There is a lesson, a valuable lesson, that must be learned before we can move forward.
Something important is being worked out in us, and in those around us. We may not be able to identify it today, but we can know that it is important. We can know it is good.
Overcome not by force, overcome by surrender. The battle is fought, and won, inside ourselves. We must go though it until we learn, until we accept, until we become grateful, until we are set free.

Today, I will be open to the lessons of my present circumstances. I do not have to label, know, or understand what I’m learning; I will see clearly in time. For today, trust and gratitude are sufficient.

In my last post I posed the question, "Am I a sex addict?". I surrender. The answer is yes. I have used sex in an addictive fashion. I am now trying to remedy that by being a member of yet another 12 Step program. And it's going quite nicely, thank you.

The really great thing is that in addition to halting, for today, my harmful sexual activity, it has also greatly improved both my AA program and my life in general.

A couple of days ago, Java commented on my last post. She asked, "Why do you not write more often?" Java, I really don't know. I have had plenty of inspiration over the past six months but have just failed to put fingers to keyboard. For the first year or so of blogging I posted a couple of times a week. I don't know what happened after that. I could speculate, but that's all it would be. I'm posting today, and I hope I post more in the future.

Java went on to say, " I haven't read much, just these few posts that are on the first page. I'm curious about you, your life, your choices, your convictions (not in a legal sense), the whichness of your why."

Let me try to satisfy that curiousity.

Me: I'm a 45-54 year old male, married for almost 30 years, alcoholic, sex addicted (but still getting used to surrendering to the fact), not entirely straight, married to a woman, father of two.

My life: Trying to figure out how to live the rest of my life...my spirituality, my sexuality, my life.

My choices: Some good: (getting married, staying married, getting sober, asking for help in staying sexually "sober", and lots of others). Some bad: (drinking excessively even when it quit working, "keeping" a boyfriend on the side for a couple of years, telling my wife I needed to move out to figure out my "gay" thing, having sex behind my wife's back, and lots of others).

My convictions: I'm having trouble summarizing this, but among my convictions are believing that each of us has part of God inside us and that we are all yearning to connect the part inside us with God, and believing that spirituality is personal and different for each of us, and that it's really harmful to try to instruct others on their spirituality unless they have asked.

The whichness of my why: The whichness of my why used to always be "me." I am now trying to turn it into "you."

Later.

Flip

HNY

2008-01-01T19:29:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year to anyone out there.

It seems a few people still stop by occasionally, though why should they since I never post anymore? Most of the hits I receive seem to come from web searches referencing "mobius" something or quotations from AA or the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous.

Today I am hopeful for the new year. I have a lot of tools I've learned through AA. If and when I'm not happy, joyous and free, it's because I don't choose to make use of those tools. Usually it has something to do with wanting my way. Wanting it right now. And my way usually has to do with feeling good right now. Or at least feeling different. Kind of like why I used to drink. Except thankfully as of today I don't believe a drink will make me feel better at all.

I suppose the big question right now is...is Flip, well, let's try to be a little more direct, am I a sex addict? I really hate needing to ask that question. For a number of reasons. One being that it seems so shameful if it's true. In fact, it seems pretty shameful just to have to ask the question. I also hate needing to ask that question because I'm not even sure if such a thing exists - officially I mean - I do know there are SAA groups out there. On the other hand, I'm not sure if it really matters if such a thing really exists. The behaviors that go into such a definition exist.

Another reason I hate asking that question is because I'm already an addict of the "oholic" sort. I hate the thought of having to conquer yet another addiction...which really means I hate having to give up something that I really don't want to give up. Even if giving it up means long term peace and happiness. Wow, that feels familiar.

So I guess we'll just have to see. But in the meantime I'm eternally grateful to have been given the gift of sobriety. And as long as I stay clean and sober I know there's hope for conquering whatever else stands between me and the person I can be.

Happy New Year to one and all.

Cheers!

Flip

Explaining

2007-09-27T14:48:00.000-05:00

I’m currently reading the Richard Ford trilogy The Sportswriter, Independence Day and The Lay of the Land. So far I have read the first two. They are excellent reading.

On page 223 (Vintage paperback edition) of The Sportswriter, there are two quotes:

“Explaining is where we all get into trouble.”

And further down the page

“Some things can’t be explained. They just are. And after a while they disappear, usually forever, or become interesting in another way.”

I am married to a woman. I am, and always have been, physically attracted to men.

Why does this blog exist? To explain that? If so, perhaps that is a fundamental flaw.

When I think back over the past several years I have definitely gotten into trouble for more reasons than just trying to explain things. But explaining – or attempting to explain – has never gotten me out of trouble. In fact it’s led to some trouble of its own.

My, our, situation just is. After a while it will definitely disappear forever. In the meantime perhaps it will become interesting in another way. Or maybe it already has.

Since last posting my younger child has moved away from home to pursue her dream. I have gone off of and back on my antidepressants...a useful reminder that it takes a village (of groups, individuals and chemicals) to keep Flip sane. My wife and I are planning and preparing for a new phase of our life together. A new location, new jobs, it’s all on the table. But we’re planning together.

My struggles remain the same. Some days what’s right wins out, other days it doesn’t. But as of today I remain sober. And I remain mindful that’s a gift…of life and hope that could be gone by now.

Why have I been given this gift?

No explanation needed or given. It just is.

Love to you all,

K

What Will I Take With Me When I Go?

2007-07-26T16:33:00.000-05:00

One of my daily reading and meditation sources is a book entitled Twenty-Four Hours a Day.

Part of today's entry:

When we come to the end of our lives on earth, we will take no material thing with us. We will not take one cent in our cold, dead hands. The only things that we may take are the things we have given away. If we have helped others, we may take that with us; if we have given of our time and money for the good of A.A., we may take that with us. Looking back over our lives, what are we proud of? Not what we have gained for ourselves, but what few good deeds we have done. Those are the things that really matter in the long run. What will I take with me when I go?

What a great question. What will I take with me when I go? If I leave today, the answer is not much.

That's not fair. Who am I to judge? And am I even qualified to judge? So let me revise my answer.

Not as much as I could.

I can't change what I have given away so far in my life. I can only change what I give away from this day forward.

I'm very thankful AA has given me the opportunity to understand this - especially today, while I'm planning the rest of my life.

And how's that plan coming along? you might ask.

Fine. Just fine. Right on track.

I love you.

Flip

Three Days

2007-07-25T01:57:00.000-05:00

In three days I'll be 50. Half a century of life. Lots of time...a great deal actually when compared to the number of meaningful accomplishments during that time.

During vacation I thought a lot about how I want to spend the second half of my life - which is probably not mathematically accurate - so perhaps the rest of my life is a more precise way to put it. There are two important ways I would like part two to be different.

I would like it NOT to be ruled by fear...the opposite of how I view the first 50 years.
I would like it to be characterized by more action than the first 50 years - preferably a LOT more.

No doubt focusing on #1 will very likely help #2 along a great deal.

I work best (more honestly "at all") with a deadline, therefore I have given myself until end of day Friday to plan the rest of my life. After that I will take action.

My initial thought is that I would like to spend more time creating. Currently I'm employed in the world of bidness. A world in which I have always felt like a stranger in a strange land, an imposter.

I can't change that immediately for very concrete financial reasons. But I can certainly engage in extracurricular activities (focusing on a meaning of the word "activity" that implies productive, creative action as opposed to thought) that have more to do with creating things other than wealth for myself and stockholders than my current activities.

Another thought: AA has taught me that life is about helping others. I believe it with all my heart. I think about it a lot...think about helping others...thinkthinkthink. Time to think less, do more.

It's late. I'm tired.

I'll have to work on this tomorrow. Three days is plenty of time.

Peace.

Flip

This Just In

2007-07-20T10:56:00.000-05:00

Hi all,

I'm just back from a long-postponed vacation with my wife. I hope to catch up soon with your blogs and catch you up on me, too.

Thanks for still being there.

Later...

F

Something Positive? Huh? WTF?

2007-06-07T13:18:00.000-05:00

Maybe I'm coming out of my blogging slump. Or maybe not. I know I've been checking in on some of my old blog haunts and even leaving comments. That's a good sign. And I've found a couple of new haunts.

One I found yesterday is My Journey Out.

Just when I think I've got all this stuff figured out, I come across a post like this one from My Journey Out: Get on the Damn Program

The comment I left:

You make a great point about guys being true to themselves by being themselves. I still can't figure out if I'm being true to myself by being the person I think I want to be (married) plus working toward being the person I think I can be (married and once again fatihful, plus so much more) or if I'm just trying to delay the inevitable.

One thing I'm not afraid of (though maybe I should be) is "..be[ing] on my death bed with any regrets about things I'd wish I'd done." I've never been one for regrets and I've already had a magical life...not that I'm ready for it to end (usually).

Thanks for sharing and listening.
F

What does this comment tell me about me? One thing is that although the frequency and intensity of questioning my current choices / status in life has decreased, it's not gone. And I believe the questioning will probably never be gone (at least until "it" falls off...Thanks Dr. M).

But the second paragraph of my comment reveals a me I haven't recognized in years, if ever. I didn't think about it while I wrote it, but what I wrote is true. I seldom have regrets regardless of the path taken or the outcome. I don't know if this is because I've just been lucky, or if it's actually something that's part of my makeup. Wow, could this even be something positive about me and my personality? What a strange thought.

I'd better stop now before I get carried away.

I love you guys (male and female).

Flip

Catching Up

2007-06-04T13:19:00.000-05:00

Haven't been in much of a blogging mood lately.

Very busy/frustrated/angry at work - almost on a daily basis. The silver lining is that work problems are the biggest, most overwhelming problems vs. home / mental / emotional problems.

But those other guys are always hanging out on the front porch should they need to dash back in the house.

Last month my younger child graduated from high school. Very precious family times. I am so blessed to have them. Dr. M pointed out how lucky I am that my wife did not shut the door on our future when I tried to move out three+ years ago. He is right.

My confusion is not resolved.

A while back when requesting a prognosis from Dr. M regarding my life / sexuality issues he stated he thought it was something I would always struggle with (at least until I get so old my "thing" falls off). I really like that summary / prognosis. It's not fatal. And it doesn't make me evil that I haven't found the perfect answer. It's an ongoing struggle.

A struggle like we all have as humans.

Spiritual learning is particularly interesting to me these days. My current area of amateur study is learning more about Gnostic Christianity. This is helping answer some spiritual / religious questions I've had. As I understand it (having just scratched the surface) Gnostic Christianity represents Christianity as you might imagine Christ would model it for his followers, not as it might be interpreted by humans with all the weaknesses that we possess. One sticking point with many of today's Christians is the belief by some Gnostics that Christ was a mythical figure rather than a real man. Perhaps when someday I am living as the person I aspire to be - caring and loving of others consistently and without selfishness - then splitting the real man / myth hair will be meaningful to my continued improvement.

Regarding the ever-present question, "Has Flip stayed zipped?" the answer is, "More often than not, but not completely." Sounds like something I will always struggle with. Part of my struggle is working toward an ideal without being overly hard or easy on myself when I stray from my path. As of today I'm not particularly pleased with my behavior but I am not suicidal about it. Perhaps I just like myself a little bit more than I used to. At least for now.

Peace to you, my friends.

Flip

All Apologies why not

2007-05-11T18:43:00.000-05:00

Kurt. Close.

AA. Cool.

"Everyone is gay." Sure.

Not gay. Conflict ed. Every gay straight. Some know / don't / care . don't. All there is No.

Apologies. All. Everything. What? Fucking up. Lives? Dumb. Dramatic (un)true/fair. Narcissism. Apologies. Sure? Sure.

Suicide Oblivion Beyond. comprehension. Self Cruel Alluring

Youth

Death

Sex y

Drugs

Rockandrolltoo

Why

Why (not)

All Apologies

2007-05-11T15:42:00.000-05:00

Day One...Again

2007-05-09T16:57:00.000-05:00

Back to square one. After almost five months.

No, I haven't started drinking again. Yes, I did "act out" (sounds like an unruly child...and come to think of it that is an apt description). Act out as in once again having sex with "the cowboy."

I guess I wasn't through yet. I thought I was. It felt like I was. There was a long stretch in there when I didn't even want to do it. And when I did think about it, it was usually in the context of "How in the hell could I ever have risked my marriage just to do that?"

"So why now?" you might ask.

On page 70, the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says, "If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache."

Over the past couple of months my work life has become incredibly stressful - largely because of things outside of my control. Slowly but inexorably as I turned inward my serenity drifted away. Why did I do this? I'm not sure, but my best guess is because I wanted to feel different. And I did feel different for a little while. And it felt good to feel different. But it hasn't made anything go away.

Today, I am not dwelling on heartache although it may come anyway. What I'm going to try to do is return to a few simple suggestions my sponsor made when we last talked seriously about the imperious urge. Suggestions for how to throw myself into helping others, how to get outside of myself. It worked before. It can work again.

Maybe I'm through now.

Peace.

Serenity? Gone Fishin'...

2007-05-03T13:58:00.000-05:00

I left the following comment responding to Grace's comments on Nate's post "Relativity":

Hi Grace,

You said:
"a supposed 'family man' coming 'out' and behaving in ways that a family man would not typically behave....in the name of being gay. i'm reacting to that aspect more than i should...probably...."
Ouch!
I can't say how this applies to Nate, but it certainly applies to me even though I wish it were not so.

To me there are two challenges. 1) Being COMPLETELY honest with yourself. Completely doesn't mean only honest enough to justify self-centered behavior. 2) Putting others' safety, health and well-being first - and this starts with ones' family.

For me, it takes a whole lot of growing up, courage and honesty to try to achieve these two goals. And it is a daily challenge.It's often no fun growing up...being a family man...but it does have its rewards. And if that's the path one has chosen, it's not right to leave the path before the journey is finished.

F

I'm not sure what, if anything, I was thinking and feeling when I left this post. In retrospect it certainly sounds like I was feeling judgmental. Was I judging Nate? Although I hate to say it, it certainly seems so.

Almost from the time I hit "publish" on the comment it has bothered me. Why? Because when my judgmental side - a very large side indeed - starts appearing I know I'm in trouble.

One of my BBB's (Best Blog Buds) Brad (oooh, an orgy of alliteration!!) has pointed out in the past that he and I have polar opposite blogging patterns. He posts more when things are going well. I post more when my life has gone to shit.

I have not regularly posted for a while, and I took a little detour to Wordpress, because things were going very well in my life. I was following my sponsor's and the cult's suggestions for maintaining serenity in my life. Then troubles hit in the form of incredible work-related frustrations and pressures - which also meant more time out of town...alone. Alone is not good for Flip.

For the first few weeks of work-related hell, serenity prevailed. So much so that people at work commented on it. Then as the pressure and travel continued uninterrupted, I started letting up on my simple plan for serenity (and dealing with my old friend "the imperious urge"...the urge to engage in sex outside of my marriage).

That particular obsession had been removed earlier this year. It's back. My comment for Nate was a big warning sign that serenity was headed out of town...a warning sign that I saw. Unfortunately warning signs do not help if the "warnee" pays no attention.

Nate was gracious enough in a later post / comment to thank me for my comment. But I feel I owe him an apology. I don't really know Nate other than through his blog and occasional email correspondence. Even if it were wise for me to be judgmental, I quite honestly know so little of the real person Nate and the complete story of his life, there is little about which I could be judgmental. That, combined with the fact that the part of Nate I understand has much in common with me, signals to me that I'm probably not judging Nate. I'm judging me. And I'm not liking what I see.

Nate, I apologize. I was wrong to imply you are not making wise decisions regarding your children. I hope I have learned something from this experience.

For what it's worth, serenity has taken a vacation. I'm "off the beam" as we say in our little cult. I think it's time for me to get back on the beam.

In the meantime, no doubt, I'll be shouting at you again soon.

Cheers.

I'm Back

2007-04-26T11:16:00.000-05:00

Hello,

I'm not sure what this is / was about. But it's not working. I'll leave it but for now I'm back here.

129 days. Will the string continue? I don't know. For today, it's questionable. But so it was yesterday too, and yet one more day was added.

Later.

F

!Sorry

2007-03-19T17:02:00.000-05:00

.flippedimage here Click .cryptic too was post last my Apparently

What? When? Where? How Long? Why?

2007-03-10T14:58:00.000-06:00

WHAT?
Moving. On.

WHEN?
Starting today.

WHERE?
According to Wikipedia:

A flipped image is a static or moving image that is generated by a mirror-reversal of an original across a horizontal axis.

Many large format cameras present the image of the scene being photographed as a flipped image through their viewfinders. Some photographers regard this as a beneficial feature, as the unfamiliarity of the format allows them to compose the elements of the picture properly without being distracted by the actual contents of the scene. The technique is meant to bypass or override the brain’s visual processing which normally sees what is expected rather than what is there.

HOW LONG?
In one day increments. I'll be back here if, when and however often I need to.

WHY?
A recurring goal in my life - especially since starting this blog - has been to "right size" the effect of my gayness/bi-ness/queerness on my life. For today I've achieved that. I love this blog and all I received from it. Its background is black. Changing that would change its essence.

Without denying my background, my essence, I'd like to try moving forward without being shadowed by it on a daily basis.

I want to see what’s there in my life, in me. Not just what’s expected to be there, by me and by others, but what’s really there. And if and how “expected” differs from “really.” And if it matters.

Today is my birthday. My Alcoholics Anonymous birthday. As of today I’ve been sober for three years. I announce this in order to show others what can happen, not as a form of self-congratulation.

My sobriety is a gift. A daily reprieve from the obsession to drink and the insanity drinking brings into my life. My sobriety gives me a chance and a choice. And today it has brought clarity and stability into my life. Clarity and stability which allow me to look at a flipped image without falling over. Or throwing up.

Peace out, y’all. I love you.

Flip

Please Pardon Our Dust

2007-03-09T11:35:00.000-06:00

While this blog changes.

There Are No Crossroads On A Mobius Strip

2007-02-25T14:38:00.000-06:00

Today, and for a few todays in a row, life has been different.

Peace and serenity the norm. Disturbance the abnorm. Different from the not so distant past. I'm enjoying it today. On the advice of my sponsor I'm not thinking about how long it might last or what might happen if it goes away.

Wondering about this blog. What to do about it? So many posts reminding of today's adnorm. Blow it away? Archive it? Just disappear? Reinvent it - a new blog with a new mission?

Today, the remembrance that the name was not random. It looks like it has two sides, but it doesn't. It's all the same surface. The same person. Even when it looks (like) Flip(ed) it isn't. It's me. The same me. Very different. The same.

Maybe I can get used to writing about different things. Other sides of the same surface. The desires: to do something different, to divest myself of stuff, to make a difference if there's a difference I can make. The experiences and people: family, coworkers, you, service work, returning urges.

The desire to be an instrument of God's peace even if I don't know much about God. To improve my conscious contact with God, and love, and you. All of you - there and not there.

Maybe.

We'll see.

Peace and love to you all.

Flip

Addiction and the "Imperious Urge"

2007-02-23T11:23:00.000-06:00

Update: Thanks to Paul for notifying me that I had inadvertently restricted comments. I guess it happened when I was trying to turn on "word verification" which I only did grudgingly after the 500th spam comment. My apologies to anyone who tried to comment. F

****************************************************************************

In commenting on my last post Dykewife wisely suggested: "...anyway, what i was thinking is that maybe the trysts you've had have been a sort of addiction. i could be way off base, but there's something very adrenaline pumping about having the "forbidden fruit" as it were.

I'm not exactly sure how I feel about this. It doesn't exactly seem on target. On the other hand, the trysts have undoubtedly been a way of trying to feel different. And quite frequently I have not been able to control my impulse to engage in them. And while at first exhilarating, they ultimately leave me feeling worse than I did before I engaged in them. Sounds like a sort of addiction to me.

Spider commented: "You use the phrase 'imperious urge'... that has such a negative and almost evil connotation to me, and it is probably just me... what you are feeling is not negative or bad, in my opinion, it is just not healthy for you now where you are in your life and for the direction you are going. I hope you are not staying away because the thoughts are so wicked and evil..."

I took the term "imperious urge" from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous where it is used to describe sexual impulses. I don't interpret it to imply anything evil or negative but rather to indicate the strength with which the sexual urge or impulse can "grip" us as human animals. But in retrospect I should have quoted more of the passage because I can see how use of the term could cause some misunderstanding.

From page 70 of Alcoholics Anonymous:

To sum up about sex. We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache.

This describes perfectly where I am right now and what I'm trying to achieve. My ideal is to stay true to my wife, but not because I think my desires are evil or negative. Rather because, as Spider pointed out, they are not healthy for me where I am in my journey and for the direction I'm taking. Yielding to those impulses is not evil or wicked, but for me, for now, it "would mean heartache."

For today, that obsession(or perhaps addiction), has been lifted. I am able to focus on other aspects of my life. And for that I'm extremely grateful.

Have a peaceful day,

F

Steady As She Goes

2007-02-02T12:49:00.000-06:00

This latest period of being faithful to my wife feels different from previous attempts. This time I'm really grateful for the peace and serenity I feel. So far I have felt almost no longing for what I'm giving up and no resentment for giving it up.

This time I'm seriously guarding the peace and serenity resulting from the honesty. I'm trying much harder than in the past to follow my sponsor's suggestions for warding off the "imperious urge" through service work, reaching out to others in AA and generally becoming a part of the fellowship of men in my AA group. I'm trying whole-heartedly, not half-heartedly, to avoid old situations, playgrounds and playmates that I associate with being unfaithful.

I'm protective of my peace and serenity because they feel so good and because I have little to offer others in AA, a program requiring rigorous honesty, if I can't practice rigorous honesty myself.

Last weekend, amid the chaos of a kid-focused weekend, my wife and I had a chance to talk to each other about ourselves. What we like, what we don't like, things that are important to us as individuals. It was like being on a date with someone you are just getting to know where you want to learn about him / her and she / he wants to learn about you. No baggage included.

It was neat. I really like her. Just the way she is. And I think she likes me too.

F

For Me, For Today

2007-01-26T11:19:00.000-06:00

Spider's comment on my last post:

For me - it is all about acceptance from other men... it just happens that the sexual acceptance is usually a little easier to get - at least for 30 minutes or so...

I am so glad Spider said this. I fear that many of my posts seem designed to give anonymous sex among men a bad name. This is not my intention. Of course, just the combination of the words "anonymous" and "sex" may seem wrong. I know before I had engaged in the combination of those two words I certainly felt the concept was inherently wrong.

That's no longer the case. And I would like to be very clear that when I equate "anonymous sex" or "sex with men" with dishonesty, something bad, I am speaking only for myself...in my situation. My situation being that to practice rigorous honesty I have made a conscious decision to discontinue having anonymous sex and/or sex with men rather than attempt to work out an arrangement with my wife allowing me to have anonymous sex and/or sex with men within our marriage.

When my wife and I married, we both knew about my attraction to men. We did not sign up for an "open marriage." But that's not the reason for my decision. If I thought we could stay married, and maybe more importantly, if I thought I would want to stay married, only if we made an arrangement for a more open marriage, I would gather up my courage (yes, it would take some work and time to do that, but I'd do it) and discuss it with her. But I do not think having an open marriage is a good idea for us.

I don't want to put her in a position to decide between open marriage with me or no marriage. Yes, on the surface this sounds like an ideal situation for someone in my situation. But in reality, I can't imagine how this would work out. I don't want to be "playing" with someone knowing my wife knows what's going on. I don't want to think about her sitting at home while I'm doing that. I'm sorry, but the way I feel today is that I wouldn't feel good about that. And I no longer feel good about doing it without her knowledge. I believe my life depends on rigorous honesty.

Please remember, I speak for myself, for today, only. This is not a judgment of others who have worked out an arrangement such as I'm describing...or of anyone for that matter. And things may change tomorrow.

Yes, that's a long lead in. But my point is that I know exactly what Spider is talking about. I have had some great experiences anonymously, with men. Experiences that have helped me get through some tough times...that have let me feel acceptance when I really needed it and offer the same to a brother.

My point is that as of today, for me, I am saying "Yes" to wanting to be faithful to my wife which means saying "No" to seeking acceptance, or anything, by engaging in anonymous sex, or in fact any kind of sex, with anyone other than my wife.

For me. For today. Not for you. Not for tomorrow.

Peace to you all.

Flip

Today: Quieting The Imperious Urge

2007-01-24T16:35:00.000-06:00

As mentioned yesterday, I've been feeling more consistently serene recently than in a long time...maybe ever. I attribute this serenity to the fact that, as outlined in The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, my sponsor, R, "suggested" I do more service work as a way to "quiet the imperious urge," ie the urge to practice less-than-rigorous-honesty by having sex with men without my wife's knowledge.

One form of service work he suggested was having me request a list of men's names and phone numbers at the three meetings I attend most often and then call one person each day. Although R was a little coy about how, exactly, this constitutes service work (when questioned he said something like, "You need to quit thinking so much and just do it.") I suspect his reasoning is when I call and talk to another alcoholic it helps the person I call as well as me. I also believe it is an(other) attempt by R to get me more involved in the fellowship of AA and the work of my home group.

Being semi-rebellious, I've been semi-compliant with R's "suggestion." Even so, the results have been more than semi-impressive: an astounding diminishment in my obsession with finding "playmates", living (gratefully) with rigorous honesty and the aforementioned serenity. Plus I've started forming bonds with some of the men in the group. This is great news. I believe having some healthy, close, non-sexual friendships with men is going to help me meet some of the needs I was attempting, but failing, to meet through my anonymous encounters.

My usual disclaimer: I know this is only for today.

But that's OK. Today is all I have. And I'm grateful for it.

Have a great day.

Flip

HBD MF

2007-01-23T15:43:00.000-06:00

One year ago today I first posted. I'd been lurking and considering blogging for a long time and was finally moved to take the plunge by a very "safe" meme posted by Secret Simon. By the way, I continue to be inspired by Simon/Alden both in the area of creativity and in how to live a heroic life. Since I first began lurking and then started blogging I have "met" and been inspired by so many. Thanks to you all and to Flip for helping me (continue to) grow up.

Speaking of meeting, I had the pleasure of meeting in person Cymber (of Are You KIDDING Me With This??? fame), Oscar and Turtle for breakfast on Saturday. What a delightful time. They are the kind of folks that you instantly feel as though you have known your whole life. The love that Cymber and Oscar radiate for each other and for Turtle is a beautiful thing. And Turtle really is the cutest and smartest (boy) kid I have ever met (safe statement since my two are both girls). I really appreciated the fact that they took time out of their weekend to drive over and meet me and hope I can return the favor sometime soon.

Moving right along...I am so grateful to report that for the past month or so I've been able to de-emphasize the gay/bi/queer thing and add more balance to my life. For me, this is truly a benefit of having the program of Alcoholics Anonymous to use as a blueprint for my life. Although I'm not on Step 12, it encourages us to try to "...practice these principles in all our affairs." That's a tall order, but my humble attempts seem to be paying off. Now don't get me wrong, I fully expect TGBQT to return full force at some time in the near and distant future, but for now I'm just enjoying the peace and trying to build strength for when the gremlins do return.

As for this blog, my current state of mind has caused it to drift away from what might be considered its "category" (mixed up middle-aged gay/bi/queer guys who are married with a little AA added for sanity???). I'm really not sure where it's headed and it probably doesn't need a category. For now I'll just keep posting as the spirit moves me but may try to post more about other things going on in my life that are not directly related to TQT or AA. I'm open to any suggestions anyone might regarding changes, etc.

Most of all, thanks to all of you for being there and for inspiring me. What a gift!

I love you all just the way you are,

K

Oppressed By Whom?

2007-01-12T15:13:00.000-06:00

Just when I'm tempted to indulge in a little self pity....poor me, little boy born queer, misunderstood, hiding, ashamed, taunted, hated...so much to overcome...I do my daily "recovery reading" and come across this in Touchstones: A Book of Daily Meditations for Men:

January 12
I should be content to look at a mountain for what it is and not as a comment on my life.
- David Ignatow

********************************************

We have recognized our self-centeredness as addicts and codependents. On the other side is the feeling of peace and well-being when we are released from it. Self-centeredness caused us to take everything personally. We were hypersensitive to our surroundings, to other people, and how they reacted. Yet, so often these things had very little to do with us. God sends rain for the just and the unjust.

When we can look at a mountain and lose ourselves in the sight, we are refreshed spiritually. But no mountain is necessary for this experience. When we listen to a friend and simply hear his perspective, when we pet a dog and just enjoy this loving creature, when we look at a sunset and drink it in for what it is – then we are growing.

********************************************

God grant me release from the oppression of my ego.

Or as it says in the Third Step prayer (Alcoholics Anonymous p. 63), “Relieve me of the bondage of self…”

Yep. Another paradox. I find my self, find my freedom, by focusing on you.

I can’t be reminded of this often enough.

Peace.

Flip

Different Maybe?

2007-01-09T17:12:00.000-06:00

During a trip to Chicago about six weeks ago I hooked up with a mid-thirties single-with-girlfriend guy (let's call him "John") who claimed to have never had an "experience" with another guy but had been fantasizing about it for a long time. He was what you might call a man's man...all that I picture myself as NOT being...super-straight-bordering-on-homophobic, macho, fearless, very into playing sports...you get the idea. I was intrigued and must say very much enjoyed playing the role of the more experienced but understanding, patient teacher to someone who would have tortured me when I was in high school. (As you might imagine, this scenario also intrigued Dr. M...but I digress.) For both John and me our meeting was an intensely pleasurable experience.

Early last week I received an email from John wishing me a happy new year and inquiring as to my next scheduled trip to Chicago. Although already into my latest attempt at rigorous honesty, I could not resist replying to his email letting him know I was planning to be there late this week or next week. I told him I would let him know my definite plans by yesterday. He assured me he would make himself available sometime during my visit.

Here's the email I sent him yesterday:

Hi John,

I still don't know what my itinerary is for this week/next week, but it probably doesn't matter. As of the first of the year I have resolved (not the first time, I'm afraid) to quit my behavior. Just so you know, the only thing I think is wrong is the fact that I am acting dishonestly as it relates to my marriage. I feel no shame or guilt regarding what two consenting people choose to do with each other as long as no one else is harmed. I am judging no one but myself.

In the category of "probably too much information", I think I told you that I'm a recovering alcoholic. An important part of my recovery is trying my best to practice rigorous honesty. Obviously I have fallen gravely short in one major area. I hate not getting what I want (like getting together with you again) but I have to do everything I can to try to stay sober and the time has come for me to try once again to grow up in this area.

John, I hate people who play games (though I've certainly been guilty of it in he past) because this stuff is weird enough without folks acting all flaky and not respecting each other. That's why I'm trying to explain myself to you instead of just disappearing or ignoring you.

You are a very nice, laid back guy and I REALLY enjoyed getting to know you. Take care of yourself, and who knows, maybe our paths will cross at some point in the future. Feel free to let me know if you have any questions or comments or anything.

Thanks,

Flip

As I read over the email today it sounds a lot less determined and final than perhaps I thought it did when I wrote it...maybe even slightly leaving the door open (though I've had no reply and don't much expect to).

Regardless, this is a big step for me. I seriously tried to rationalize reasons why it would be OK to hook up with John. But in the end I actually did the right thing. Not because I felt so bad inside that I felt obligated to do the right thing, but because I wanted to do the right thing even as I realized how much I wanted to do the wrong thing. Somehow it felt different from my past attempts.

Maybe the reason it felt different is that I finally realize you can do the right thing because you want to do it even if you also want to do the wrong thing. The wants can exist together without diminishing the significance of ultimately doing the right thing. I don't know if this even makes sense or perhaps is just such a simple concept that everyone else has understood this since they were growing up. I don't want to ponder it too long right now. But it is a major discovery to me.

Today, I think I'm growing up. Slowly. Baby steps with lots of stops, starts, backward motion, falls.

Just for today, because that's all I have. And I'm grateful to have it.

I love you guys.

Flip

"The Private Adam"

2007-01-07T09:14:00.000-06:00

Warning: Over the next few posts I may be quoting quite a bit more from my new favorite read, The Private Adam: Becoming a Hero in a Selfish Age. I don't know if it's such a great book, but it has profoundly spoken to me at a time when I need desperately to hear what it has to say. Therefore it is a great book for me.

I often ask myself how was I able to finally commit adultery when for so very long I had found the idea so reprehensible? Although the answer may be simple (or perhaps more simply, is simple? Um, I'm not quite ready to get that honest yet.), I usually prefer to complicate (soften? obfuscate?) the explanation with details of my oh-so-tragic life...sad little (dorky) sexually confused boy growing up in a cruel world sentenced to a life as an alcoholic by genetics and prejudice blah blah blah...you get the idea...I'll stop before you're reduced to tears.

The Private Adam, Chapter 15, "How Can We Know We're Doing The Right Thing?" page 107:

The Talmud even says that the first time you do something bad, you acknowledge it as bad. The second time, it becomes neutral, and the third time you talk yourself into believing it's a good thing. That's why we need a higher code to tell us the way to behave.

Before a firestorm breaks out among my four or five regular readers, I'm not suggesting I have any idea what your higher code should be, what it should tell you or even if you should have one. I'm just talking about me. And today my higher code is the steps and principles of Alcoholics Anonymous. Principles which demand of me rigorous honesty. The kind of honesty which makes it hard for me to adjust my principles to conform to my behavior instead of doing the reverse. The kind of honesty that will keep me sober, sane and alive.

Have a great day, and thanks for being there!

Flip

Best Ever

2007-01-03T11:42:00.000-06:00

I think I’ve posted before about a question my sponsor asked me in my first year of sobriety. I was talking (complaining?) about my former on-the-side boyfriend with whom I was having some conflicts regarding the circumstances of our parting. My sponsor asked me what I wanted from him (the boyfriend). I said, “I just want him out of my life.” To which my sponsor responded, “If you want him out of your life, why do you keep turning up in his life?” Ouch.

A desire I've consistently stated is to “right size” the fact of my sexual preference – basically make it a non-issue in my life. It dawned on me over the holidays that if making it a non-issue is my goal, why do I keep making it such an issue? Why do I obsess on it, write about it, “introspect” about it, ACT ON IT? Why do I MAKE IT such a focus of my life?

When describing Step Four (Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.) as it pertains to our sexual (mis)behavior the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says (p. 70):

To sum up about sex: We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache.

At the "suggestion" of my sponsor, my focus since before the holidays has been service work. So far the imperious urge has been quiet. Sometimes I get fearful about what will happen when it wakes up, but then I remember that I only need to focus on today. So far today it has been quiet.

A non-issue.

Oh, did I tell you the holiday season that just passed was my best ever? Yes, BEST EVER. Even better than when I got my purple Schwinn three speed Fastback bicycle with the gearshift and sparkling banana seat.

BEST EVER not because of expensive presents or food, but because of one gift. My family.

Flip

Ready, Set, Go. Again.

2006-12-21T10:54:00.000-06:00

Scene: Mr. and Mrs. Flip sitting in bed enjoying a quiet evening of reading

Mrs. Flip: You're horoscope for today is interesting. Want to hear it?

Flip: Sure.

Mrs. Flip: (Reading from today's local paper) Leo. You're entering a new phase regarding your close relationships. Complete honesty becomes the rule, rather than the exception.

Flip: (As nonchalantly as possible) Hmmmm, that's interesting.

********************************************************

I don't know much about my higher power, but I do believe that it speaks to me through other people. People in meetings, people in blogland, people sitting next to me in bed. My higher power has been speaking to me a lot recently. I'm a slow (reluctant?) learner but eventually, at least sometimes, catch on.

Therefore...

I'm going to try. Again. I've done it before. One day at a time for around six months if I remember correctly. Of course I'm afraid of failing. Am I setting myself up for a fall?

Well, who isn't?

As Nate so simply stated in his Tuesday, December 19 post, "Be a Man."

Simple. Not necessarily easy. At least not for this man.

Be a Man. Be the man I know I can be. What's the recipe? I don't know, but a combination of goodness and maturity, as referenced in my last post, sounds like a good start..

Simple. Not necessarily easy.

Thanks to the gift of Alcoholics Anonymous and sobriety I have tools I know can help me if I will use them. They include but are not limited to: following the "suggestions" of Alcoholics Anonymous and my sponsor - especially his recent assignments related to fellowship and service work, sticking to my regimen of prayer and meditation, changing my playground and playmates, and keeping my focus on sublime rewards when King Baby demands instant gratification.

So I'm going to call my newest friend today and tell him I probably won't be seeing him for a while. Maybe never again. I know he'll understand.

Have a good day and thanks for being there.

Flip

Sublime Rewards

2006-12-20T17:51:00.000-06:00

One of my current reads is a book entitled The Private Adam, Becoming A Hero In A Selfish Age, by Shmuley Boteach. The author compares “classical heroism” – currently typified by people such as celebrities and successful business people, to “biblical heroism” – typified by those living with courage and dignity which inspires others.

A quote from the book (p. 33 of the hardback edition):

In the end goodness always triumphs. It triumphs because it’s real, because it’s true, because it’s authentic, because it feels good and right. But the secret of success is to combine goodness with maturity--the ability to delay gratification and search for more sublime rewards. The biblical hero ends up with the true victory. The ancient rabbis of the Talmud said, “Who is wise? One who always sees the consequences of his actions.” The biblical hero takes the long, but ultimately, shorter way.

Delay gratification? I hate that. I want what I want and I want it now. Sublime rewards? What are those and who cares anyway? Sublime sounds good, but not immediate and definitely not a sure thing. I’ll take a sure thing now over sublime, thank you very much.

But…

...this week I've felt a level of inner peace I've not had for a long time...if ever...and it feels like a sublime reward. So does the fact that my younger child -- a teenager -- actually wants to spend time with me these days. This is the same child who, more than a year after I had threatened to move out but never did, told me she wished I had moved out because life was so much better when I was gone. And unfortunately I think she was absolutely right at that time.

Waking up next to my wife and not sharing the bed with my old friends, the Consequence twins Guilt and Remorse, is a sublime reward.

Goodness and maturity. I understand the goodness. I’m working on the maturity – with a lot of help from the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Take care.

Flip

Byproducts

2006-12-17T15:59:00.000-06:00

From one of my (almost) daily reads, Touchstones, A Book of Daily Meditations for Men

December 17, 2006

The purpose of man’s life is not happiness but worthiness.
- Felix Adler

When we pursue happiness as a goal for its own sake, we usually reach the opposite point of emptiness. Feeling happy is a by-product of other life experiences. Happiness comes and goes. We welcome it but cannot capture and hold it, nor can we create a recipe for achieving happiness.

We will lead far more successful lives pursuing other values which we do have control over, such as honesty, respect for others and ourselves, seeking loving relationships, and making a contribution to the well-being of others. We can accept unhappiness and difficulties without struggle when we know we are doing something that has greater meaning. Our Eleventh Step tells us we pray only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out. This helps us focus on God’s purpose for us. We can have an inner sense of joy knowing we are leading meaningful lives even when we aren’t having a particularly happy day.

I will seek the goals that make my life worthwhile and welcome happiness when it comes.

***********************************************************************

I believe this. Every word of it. People have been sold a bill of goods by businesses hoping to make a profit and by the media. You cannot buy happiness. You cannot pursue it. It is a byproduct. If people ever figure this out Wall Street will surely collapse, but there may also be a tiny bit of hope for the human race. Of course all I can do is try to live as though I understand and believe this, and I’m far away from doing that. So before I lecture everyone else I’ll continue to try to get my own house in order.

Speaking of my house, for today my all-too-frequent obsession with having anonymous sex with other men has abated. I know it’s not gone and I never expect it to be gone. But I'm pleased with the relief I feel today. It’s a nice gift.

Just to reiterate, I'm not preaching against anonymous sex and I’m not trying to beat myself up for being someone who desires sex with other men. I’m just saying that for me, acting on those desires is a problem because my ultimate goal is to get honest by stopping these encounters instead of continuing to have them and revealing the fact of their existence to my wife. Why? Because I fear it will be the end of our marriage. And perhaps this is just a rationalization, but I also do not want to put my wife in the position of deciding between ending the marriage or staying with a me who continues to have sex with someone else. Call it dishonest. Call it delusional. Call it cowardly. Call it what you wish, but it's the path I’m trying to take today. And today I’m feeling some relief from the obsession. And I’m grateful.

Before I get too high and mighty here, I should let you in on a related, recent change. The last few encounters I’ve had have been with the same person. He is my age and married with children. Just like me, he is not looking for an emotional connection – just an outlet for his desire to have sex with men. His attitude about this whole situation is actually quite angst-free and refreshing. He went through the guilt thing but finally realized he is not going to change. He has accepted this as part of himself. He does not want to hurt anyone by engaging in this activity but also realizes he can best maintain balance in his life by continuing to do it. And he thinks it’s fun.

I don’t know that I agree with his attitude, but I sure enjoy being around it. I told him that my ultimate goal is to discontinue the activity and there will likely be times when I'm not so interested and potentially a time when I will not be interested at all. He completely respects that and assured me he would put no pressure on me.

The insane part is I feel meeting this person is progress for me. I’m not saying I want to adopt his philosophy, but I believe knowing him has played a part in the current absence of my obsession to search and search and search for the perfect....um, you know.

Anyway, that’s where I am today. And it feels pretty good.

Thanks for being there….for encouraging me and challenging me.

I love you.

Flip

Still Not Willing

2006-12-12T14:07:00.000-06:00

I met with my sponsor. OK, he does not suck. At least not as a sponsor.

It seems we are back on track with a healthier sponsor/sponsee (I hate that word) relationship. He has given me a couple of assignments that I’ve completed – kicking and screaming – like any good rebellious alcoholic would. We are meeting tomorrow night.

He has challenged me on my honesty; specifically my continued sexual encounters with men without my wife’s knowledge. As much as I would like to ignore what he is saying to me by insisting that as my sponsor he should focus only on my sobriety (with some support for this view from Dr. M) I know my sponsor is right. The program of AA requires rigorous honesty. I am not there yet. But more importantly I am not trying hard enough to get there in this aspect of my life.

I can imagine a life of rigorous honesty in this area. I have an (at least partial) understanding of the benefits that would flow from such a life. But I am (apparently) not ready to give up my dishonest behavior. I think I’m getting there…or I’m deluding myself…not sure which.

My sponsor and I were able to agree that when I am doing more service work I am doing less adulterous behavior. I believe the assignments he gave me are a prelude to more service work which I hope and believe will help relieve my obsession with adulterous behavior. Unfortunately I also hate the thought of that obsession (and resultant actions) being gone from my life forever.

Just like I hated the thought of alcohol being gone from my life forever. Alcohol was a key part of who I was. It made me lively, likeable, free. Me.

I'm reminded of a quote I've mentioned before from a local PBS show (the specifics of which escape me). A priest was being asked about taking the vow of celibacy. His response was something like “whenever you say ‘yes’ to something, you say ‘no’ to something else” (or maybe it was vice-versa). I know what I want to say “no” to, and I have a good feeling about what I will be saying “yes” to when I do that.

Take care.

Flip

Acceptance

2006-12-01T14:00:00.000-06:00

This evening I’m once again scheduled to meet with my sponsor to do Step Eight which is, “Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.” My sponsor cancelled the previous attempt at the last minute and dragged his feet (in my mind) on rescheduling. I’m nervous but ready.

****************************************************************************

I’ve found two AA meetings this week particularly powerful. The topics were “Acceptance” and “...God is doing for us what we couldn't do for ourselves,” which comes from the Step Eleven promises (page 84) in The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Acceptance 1

A key fact that I have trouble accepting is that my alcoholism is but a symptom of my emotional and mental problems – my “disease” in AA-speak. I’m not cured of that disease. It is still there, still progressing in some ways. It is a disease that is treatable on a daily basis. I have a daily reprieve based on my spiritual condition (which is based on a lot of other things). Each day I must take medicine in the form of my AA program, and there is not an AA-CR (controlled release). To be effective it must be taken each day starting in the morning with doses throughout the day.

I continue to have a hard time accepting this fact, and more importantly, making the right decisions that would be easy to make if I could accept it. Decisions such as: Upon arising should I read my inspirational books, pray and meditate or should I read the newspaper, or (worse) should I check my email to see if there is someone I can “meet” today? Should I go to a meeting even though it’s raining and the traffic will be awful? Should I talk to another alcoholic when I’m struggling or just ride it out alone?

There are still many, many occasions where I don’t choose the healthy option. And there are usually consequences for that later in the day, or the next day, or the next. But I still can’t accept that I have to do things I don’t want to do. Or more honestly, I still can’t accept that I have been given the gift of having the option to do things I know will GIVE me another reprieve from my disease and its symptoms. A gift that so many relatives and friends, now gone, were not given.

But God does for me what I still can’t do for myself. When I don’t take my AA medicine, my life goes to hell. I plan and host a huge self-pity fiesta. Then I feel like shit. Then I grudgingly take my medicine. You guys have witnessed the ugliness, even walked me through it. Led me to the medicine cabinet. Done for me what I can’t do for myself.

But sometimes I wonder if the time will come when I roll the dice again and the medicine cabinet will be empty after the party. Gifts given can be taken away. I have relatives and friends who could no doubt tell me about that...if they were still around.

Acceptance 2

It’s evening. Bedtime is closing in. I feel good. My wife doesn’t. For me sll is well. She’s hosting her own pity party. My children and I have been invited…in fact, it's a command performance. Now I don’t feel so good. I hate her. How can this work? How can we stay married? Can’t she see how I’m struggling even though I can’t (am afraid to) share it with her? How can she be pissed about something so petty? I’m going to bed. She can stay up and read and drink in her own little hell as long as she wishes. I want no part of that. I’m going to face away from her and clutch my huggy pillow. I’m not going to let my leg touch hers. That’ll show her!

Damn, she’s coughing again and it woke me up. She’s snoring away…lucky her…she can drink away the pain when she’s hurting. She can sleep on through till morning. But I have to lie here and listen to her and think some more about how pissed off I am and how unfair life is and how thoughtless she is. WHAT ABOUT ME?? She’s facing away. Not touching. Fine, I’m not going to be the first to touch her. We can just sleep together apart tonight.

Think think think. The meeting today. Acceptance. Loving someone just the way they are. I LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. JUST. THE. WAY. YOU. ARE. EXACTLY the way YOU are. RIght now. At this moment. Not the way you almost are…the way I think you could be if you really wanted to please me. The way you are at this instant. With your back to me, snoring, emitting alcohol fumes.

You. The woman who was the little girl whose father left and never came back. You. The woman who doesn’t remember what her father looked like and can’t find out now because his image was surgically removed from all family photos and immolated in the backyard. You. The (one and only) woman I love to make love to. Make love not sex to. Really bonded. As one. Physically. You.

If I really loved you just the way you are, I would love you right now. I would not be facing away from you trying very hard to almost get my leg next to yours in case you want to make the first move and touch it but hell will freeze over before I make the first move because you were being so goddamned petty. But if I loved you just the way you are I would roll over, put my arm over you and hug you tightly. Like I love you. Just the way you are. Like I love you and never want to let you go.

I rolled over and hugged you to me. Like I’d never let you go. You deserved it.

And when I woke up that morning you were snuggled close to my back. Facing me. Touching me. And maybe even loving me just the way I am.

In My Head

2006-11-26T10:24:00.000-06:00

Hi. I hope everyone had a peaceful, gratitude-worthy Thanksgiving. If you are reading this then no doubt you have something for which to be thankful. I know I do.

**********************************************************************

Two weeks ago my visit with Dr. M was filled with self-hatred. Last week my visit was filled with hope. During that visit I announced two short-term goals for myself.

Goal one is to communicate better with my wife. I am envious of Brad, Brett, Bear, Cymber, Nate, Mr. BB, Ben, Mark and so many others for the communication they have with their significant others – past, present, male, female. My wife and I don’t have that kind of openness (yes, I’m aware of the trap I’m in…comparing my inside to your outside, but bear with me). Dr. M is a master at guiding me to find answers on my own – one way he stays blameless hence steadily employed, perhaps. No doubt there’s a lesson there, but that is fodder for a different post.

Anyway, as Dr. M and I talked it dawned on me that perhaps I am the only one in my relationship with my wife who does not feel we communicate adequately. And perhaps she is communicating that to me on a daily basis…but I’m not paying attention because I don’t necessarily agree. Of course since I don’t communicate with her but instead “think it” and expect her to read my mind, then it’s really hard for me to know.

How insightful. Once again I get a hint that the world does not revolve around me. I guess I just can’t find that out often enough. When I articulated “communicate better with my wife” to Dr. M, what I really meant was “get her to communicate with me the way I want”…and more specifically, “get her more interested in and more understanding of ME.” ME. God I hate that word and the fact that I love it so.

Today, my approach regarding communication with my wife is to work a little harder at living the spirit of the prayer of St. Francis. Specifically,”…seek [rather] to understand than to be understood…”

My wife and I had a dinner date last night. After we finished eating, the topic of our discussion veered into AA territory – under her guidance. This is a very rare event indeed, and something I have wished for in the past (in the guise of wanting to be “understood” by her). How wonderful it seemed…at first. But, the specific thing she wanted to discuss was my sponsor…and her heavily disguised opinion that he sucks. Wow, not exactly the direction I had envisioned for a discussion of AA – wherein I would get to communicate all of my newfound insights AND IMPROVEMENTS blah blah blah to her (discussions that apparently we have already had...IN MY HEAD). This was scary. This was my territory, and it was uncomfortable. And to make it worse, she was right. He does suck.

I tried to explain to her all the reasons why it’s my fault. Although acknowledging my views, she didn’t seem too keen on agreeing. She simply pointed out that he makes time for things that are important to him. For whatever reason, he doesn’t seem to be able to make time to help me progress through the steps. Lord knows I have communicated my frustration to her about this in the past, but since I was talking about (perhaps rather than communicating about) AA, I just assumed she was not listening. I guess she was. (Another reminder of my bad habit of assuming that if I think it, it must be true. A characteristic I share with at least some of my fellow members of AA).

Here we were, on a date, communicating. About me. About the subject nearest and dearest to my heart (except maybe…well, whatever). And I was squirming. Because she was right. I kept looking at that glass of red wine she was drinking, hoping it would allow me to discount what she was saying. It didn’t. She was sober. She was right. My sponsor sucks.

After much circular babble, I told her I had actually been seriously considering changing sponsors, but I just didn’t want to start all over again. No sympathy there. OK, I confessed, I’M AFRAID. Afraid of having the discussion with my sponsor that I know I need to have. (And, although I didn’t tell her, afraid of having to confess all to another person who might not accept me with all my faults.) No sympathy forthcoming…just an observation that perhaps both my sponsor and I would be happier if we got the discussion over with and moved on.

How mature. How logical. How true.

So how did I handle this newfound better communication with my wife? Well, I got depressed and semi-pouted. Yep friends, I’ve still got a long way to go. But I sure as hell am grateful for the progress I’ve made. And I’m grateful for the fact that my wife was brave enough to talk to me about this - because I'm not easy to talk to. I am going to thank her today for taking the risk.

Oh yeah, my second short term goal is to try to make some male friends. Non-sexual male friends. A recurring theme in my therapy (life) is the fact that the only real male friends I have are either electronic (don’t get me wrong, I love you guys) or….well, that’s about it. I have three reasons for wanting to achieve this goal. One, I think it will strengthen my AA program since I still tend to scurry out of the meetings and shy away from the fellowship. Two, I think it will give me more insight into my need (OK, want) for anonymous sexual encounters with men. **Please note, I don’t think this will cure the want, but I do think it might lead to a better understanding.** And last but certainly not least, I think it will help me find some new friends!

Perhaps my search for a new sponsor will lead to short-term goal number two. I’m going to start today.

Thanks for being there.

I love you.

Flip

Gone Fishin'

2006-11-13T08:16:00.000-06:00

Time for a break.

I love you.

Flip

Sledgehammer

2006-11-10T10:29:00.000-06:00

Whatever power, internal or external, that allows me to be reminded of what I need to hear at the right time has apparently finally figured out subtlety does not work with me. It takes a sledgehammer. And persistence.

Today's entry in Touchstones:

*November 10*

Humility is just as much the opposite of self-abasement as it is of self-exaltation.
- Dag Hammarskjold

**************************************

In our struggles with self-hate and guilt, we may have thought we were humble -- or perhaps even too humble. But self-abasement, which often alternates with feelings of
superiority, is not the spiritual quality of humility that we strive for in our program.

With humility, we respect ourselves and our place in the universe. Humility is having ourselves in perspective, knowing we are connected to the whole world, accepting how small and powerless we are, and accepting the power and responsibility we have. With this spiritual feeling comes a sense of awe for the world we live in and a feeling of gratitude for the life we've been given.

**************************************

The humility I feel today goes hand in hand with my self-respect and gratefulness for being part of life.

Cymber honey, I know that this is what you and the guys have been trying, OK continue to try, to get me to understand.

Thanks to all for not putting down the sledgehammer yet.

Flip

Just42day

2006-11-10T06:42:00.000-06:00

I think I've mentioned a free, online service to which I subscribe provided by just42day.org which automatically sends a recovery-related email to me each weekday. Most days it is waiting in my inbox when I first log in.

As is often the case, today's message was just what I needed to hear:

From "Happiness Is Not the Point":

"In A.A., I'm learning to grow up. Instead of demanding that people, places and things make me happy, I can ask God for self-acceptance. When a problem overwhelms me, A.A.'s Twelve Steps will help me grow through the pain. The knowledge I gain can be a gift to others who suffer with the same problem."

© 1990 AAWS, Inc.; Daily Reflections, pg. 125

F

...And Chewing...

2006-11-09T14:37:00.000-06:00

I'm not necessarily offended by Troll's comment. I'm actually not sure how I feel about it and honestly am not sure I even know what it means. I just decided to represent some of my thoughts as I remember having them...unedited...rather than painstakingly analyzing what I thought he meant and what I thought about what I thought he meant.
Spider, I absolutely agree with your point regarding continuous, abusive self-examination.
Please understand I'm not offended by your comment, Spider, but I'm not really asking anyone to read this blog. The only person I expect to listen to the same story over and over and over and over ad nauseum is Dr. M, my shrink. And I pay him $4.44 per minute to act like he likes it. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the fact that people read it. But, for instance, I now consider you an online friend even if you never read my blog again. My point is that I often blog so that I don't have to ask my friends to listen to the same repackaged garbage over and over and over again. I could simply keep a journal...but my ego and the fact that some folks continue to read and respond, tempered by my knowledge that no one is forced to read the blog, keep me from just journaling offline.
I do not feel attacked by Troll. I am not trying to flame Troll or start an online drama with him. I appreciate his comment.
My reaction to Troll's comment indicates to me there is a lesson in there for me.

Thanks.

Chewing

2006-11-09T06:46:00.000-06:00

Troll's comment on my last post:

Flip:

I have noticed something recently that bothers me. I am finding your blog harder to read. When this happened somewhere else, I leapt to the probable conclusion that there was some inner conflict that was coming out in conflicted prose, but this is definitely my problem.

Maybe it's just that I've stopped chasing my tail and cut it off, so I no longer have any compassion for the circling obsessions of others, but I don't THINK that's it.

I am going to have to chew on this one.

In the meantime, hang in there.
And keep on plugging along

yr
T

Comments on my blog are emailed to me. Being a self-obsessed blogger (that's redundant, right?) I often check my email from my web phone when away from my laptop for more than a few seconds. That is how I first read Troll's comment, and my reason for stating this is that I had to read it in little chunks as I scrolled then selected "more" and waited for the screen to refresh.

First two sentences...read, scroll, read, scroll. Pause to refresh.

**Hmmm, I've often wondered if some people have problems with the black background. But it just seems so right - little bits of white and various color painted against the blackness. But it seems that many of my readers - wow, my readers - sounds like a veritable army - all six of them - are getting to that "challenging eyesight age" just like me. I'd hate for Troll to have to quit reading because of eye strain. My readership would plummet by 15% at least. But maybe I should go ahead and take the beta plunge. Hmmm, will have to look into that - maybe there is a dark, dreary background available with more readable print. But then there's the "beta comment" issue. I never really understood what that was about but if it's still a problem it would be one more thing to try to figure out.**

Refresh.

**Inner conflict. Inner conflict? Me? conflicted prose? Wait, is this a criticism of the writing? This isn't about blogger and fonts and backgrounds and colors at all. This is about me. But he says it's his problem. Yeah, it's not about my problem, it's about his problem. But then why is he saying this here? Oh yeah, because this is an open forum. The posts are about me. The comments are about them but they're kind of about me which makes them worth emailing to myself. But wait, this is Troll. He's pretty deep. Does he really mean this is about me, or is he just being Troll...like sort of obtuse. Is that the right word? Is that one of those words I'm sure I keep using incorrectly because it sounds right? Like "pilfer." Where my mother always uses it to mean shuffling through stuff like a stack of paper but it really means steal? Man, that was embarassing to find out. I always thought she was the perfect English user. Shit, I'm turning into her. When I'm not turning into my dad. Could it really be partly his fault that I'm queer? I mean talk about the definition of the weak father. Ooh, I'm not really having sex with guys and thinking it has something to do with him am I? But what about that dream that time. Oh God! Well, better incestuous than a pedophile. See, there's always someone who's worse than you are. But that's not right. God loves everyone. But how can God love someone who abuses helpless children and wrecks their whole lives? Could that be my problem? What did happen that one night I had to spend in the hotel room with my grandparents on my father's side? I remember being terrified of my grandfather. He had that "arthritis" thing that delivered an electric shock. I do vividly remember being terrified of that. And I remember seeing his penis, or at least some part of his genitals through that gap in his pajama bottom. Oh for God's sake, next I'll be having some sort of sexual abuse memory. Like it makes any difference whatsoever. I'm queer. It doesn't matter why. Abuse. Weak father. dominating mother. Not enough / too many testosterone hormone baths in the womb. What matters is what I do about it. Which is basically nothing except spin, spin, spin. Oh, the email.**

Refresh.

**Stopped chasing my tail? Cut it off? Compassion? Circling obsessions? He doesn't THINK so? What the fuck? Now I'm pissed. Well, not really. I mean it sounds a little...well a lot...condescending. Like he finally took the plunge. Walked across the coals. While I'm still huddled over here quaking in my boots. But what about Nate and Jas? They're over here. I dunno, Nate is standing by the coals....he's looking at them. Wow, maybe the only answer is to off myself. I mean, Jas always keeps that option open. But wait a minute, I thought you decided that would be the most selfish thing you could do. That's what you say to others. And c'mon, you couldn't even bring yourself to do it when you had decided it was a real option. Yes the water looked really cold. It was. That's the point, assclown. What a pathetic loser. Wait, what about the truce. Hmmm, that's not working so well anyway. I think it may just be another excuse for hooking up. Oh yeah, Troll. What is he saying? Why did he say this? Is it something I should care about? No. This is my blog. I blog for myself. Oh for God's sake, is that why you check your stat counter? C'mon, get real. Well, I really blog in case there is another suffering alcoholic out there. How could he say I'm chasing my tail? Oh yeah, I am. Obsessive writing about the same topic, over and over and over and over. As if an answer will materialize from the writing. Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. Insanity. Only a power greater than myself could restore us to sanity. Hmmm, power greater than myself. Skipped that meeting today. Busy trying to hook up with that guy. Working with others...like working on helping them explore their gay side behind their wives's backs. I don't think that's what it means.

So maybe I should quit blogging until I have something new to say? No, I can't do that because my friends will just comment that they don't want me to leave and it will seem like yet another desperate invitation to make me feel worthwhile as a blogger. I have to try to be a little more subtle than that. And maybe Troll should just quit reading if he is finding it difficult to read. Maybe once you walk over the coals you just check back every once in a while to see how the little group of fraidy cats is doing on the other side. To remind yourself how miserable you were while you tried to convince yourself things could be different.

Is it really futile? Or do I just feel that way because I haven't eaten enough today and because I thought we were going to land that account but the guy explained very patiently why we came so close, but lost anyway. I don't really give a shit about that. I hate my job. Or do I? Why does it matter so much to me then? Why is that feeling back in the pit of my stomach. Who kicked me? Oh yeah, nobody. Nobody.**

Flip

Answers Shrouded Are Answers Still

2006-11-03T08:57:00.000-06:00

Day four of the uneasy but welcome truce in the war zone between my ears.

As the acrid, suffocating smoke of self-pity begins to clear, a form becomes barely discernible.

Is it an answer or just another trick of the mind? Yes. Is there a difference? I don't know. Does it matter which as long as progress is made. Probably not.

One night. Four people. Fred, Chris, Flip. And Johnny. Johnny...a 21st century leper. A man. Loved by God as surely as all lepers. How does a leper feel the love of God? Is it easy or difficult. Does it matter? Probably not.

Perhaps the answer is not "substitute this for that" but rather "concentrate on this with passion and faith and the overwhelming obsession with that will diminish."

An answer heard over and over. Heard and dismissed. Repeated. Repeated. Repeated. Listened to. Pondered. Dismissed in the haze of denial. With the crippling self-impression of terminal uniqueness. Listened to. Pondered.Forgotten.

Repeated. Demonstrated. Repeated. Demonstrated. Demonstrated. Repeated. DEMONSTRATED. Feelings side by side. A comparison simple enough for a child to understand. Do this. Feel. Do this again. Feel. Do that. Feel? Feel the difference? Does it matter?

Yes, it's all that matters.

Is that not how a loving parent teaches a child? Knowledge appears not as a lightning bolt but the barely discernible form of something unrecognized yet familiar, coming slowly into focus?

Peace.

Flip

Sometimes...All That Is Asked Of Us

2006-10-31T10:29:00.000-06:00

Between my ears, different battles are fought each day. Some days just small skirmishes or even just hateful glares across no man's land, some days vicious, unrelenting clashes. But the heart of the conflict seems always to be should I or shouldn't I? Past, present, future. Should I have when I tried? Should I now? Will I? Why did I? Why didn't I? Am I brave? Am I a coward? What's honest? What's a lie? What's kind? What's cruel? To whom?

Why did (breaking up, resisting temptation, working it out maturely, disappearing from the face of the earth, activism, pacifism, suicide, youfillitin) work for her / him / them? Why can't I (be brave, be noble, give up, be less self-centered, be kinder to myself, take action, youfillitin)? Why do(es) they (he, she) seem so (at peace, brave, generous, wise, thoughtful, happy, successful, dead, youfillitin)?

No outcomes appear perfect. Perfect? OK, substitute survivable. No don't, that's a bit too dramatic. Or is it?

Before the next time I peer up out of my foxhole to glare across the razorwire at myself, I'm going to read the passage below. Maybe then I'll just stare, not glare. Maybe I'll stand up, throw down my gun and walk to the fence with my hand extended. Maybe.

From Touchstones, A Book Of Daily Meditations For Men a (n almost) daily read for me.

**October 31**

Superficiality is the curse of our age. The doctrine of instant satisfaction is a primary spiritual problem.
- Richard J. Foster

*********************************************

As we have reached for instant cures, one-minute answers, and quick highs, we have developed lifestyles that foreclosed deeper possibilities. For instance, when we fail to stay and resolve conflicts in a relationship, we miss the joys of a renewed understanding. Our spiritual development comes in steps, small but meaningful increments that build over a period of time. Many of us have not been patient men and our newfound spiritual life is teaching us that the quickest, most efficient answer isn’t always the best.

Today, our greatest temptation may be to grab for the fast solutions rather than allowing time for small but important steps to occur. When we are frustrated, it will help to remember the difficulty may lie in our insistence on a quick answer. Sometimes simply being true to ourselves and standing as a witness while the answer develops are all that is asked of us.

*********************************************
I will have faith that time is on my side and it will teach me valuable things.

Peace.

Flip

The Last First Thought, Etc.

2006-10-29T12:58:00.000-06:00

As soon as I initially published the prior post, I realized I needed to add what is now the first bullet point in the list. Unfortunately Blogger would not allow me to post the revised version for several hours, but I want to be sure everyone sees that point, too.

And I'd also like to add that the list of "regular reads" over to the right is sadly outdated. Someday I will update it thoroughly. One addition that was long overdue and has been made is Bi and Bye - which I have finally added. Regarding that blog, although there are many surface differences (geography, addictions / lack thereof, etc.) all too often Mr. BB (jasman) seems to blog my thoughts, if not my life. Sorry jasman that it has taken me so long to add you, and sorry to anyone whose blog needs to be added and has not yet been.

Thanks again to everyone out there who is part of my world.

Flip

Random Acts of Thoughtness

2006-10-29T08:32:00.000-06:00

Hello patient friends,

Usually when I hear advice I think is way off the mark, and hear it over and over, it means I need to listen to it. I've finally decided to listen to Bear's suggestion that maybe I am trying to fight too many battles at once. Thanks Bear! (And apologies to unacknowledged others who have made this same suggestion in the past. As I said, I wasn't listening.)
AA has taught me that everyone has the right to be wrong. Yesterday morning I realized (remembered) that applies to me too.
If I take the liberty of deciding that I'm a creature unworthy of life, love, forgiveness, patience, empathy, second (thousandth) chances, etc. them I am playing God.
I am certain about only one thing concerning God...I am not God.
Even if I'm not concious of playing God, when I play God I get in trouble.
Tomorrow I am doing Step Eight** with my sponsor. Some would say it is long overdue. Others would say I am not yet ready for it. I'm going to see what my sponsor says and follow his suggestion...for a change.
Last night I attended an AA meeting the topic of which was "gratitude." What do I have to be grateful for? Too much to list here. The primary things are the fact that I am sober and that unlike so many who have come before me, I have a chance. I have a choice. And that's a gift. I need to treat it as such and give away whenever possible. Every day. Not just when I'm tired of focusing on me me me me me me.
To paraphrase something I heard in a meeting, "Today is going to be a great day unless I fuck it up."

Peace.

Flip

**Step Eight: Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

And just so you know, the next one is this biggie...

Step Nine: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

The Morning After

2006-10-28T08:28:00.000-05:00

I'm happy (sad?) to report that the AA police stopped by at about 6 PM yesterday to break up the pity party. There are still pockets of revelry around the place, but for the most part it's over...for now. Of course all the participants are still on the premises. I'm pretty sure they'll always be around, but at least it's a relief when they're snoozing. I hope it takes them a while to sleep it off.

Thanks to all of you neighbors who knocked on the door and windows to suggest that things were getting out of hand. I'm sorry most of you were greeted with nothing but a blank stare.

Flip

Shame

2006-10-26T14:56:00.000-05:00

Fallen

-Sarah McLachlan

Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Is there an answer? I haven't found it. Surrender, ignore, compartmentalize, suppress, start over, focus on self, focus on others. Hope. Analyze. Pray. False starts, not answers.

Truth be told
I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Truth be told. Ha! Tried my best? I guess so. Not really. Tried. Trying. My best? Doesn't feel like it. The cost? It’s been high. Could be, may be, much higher.

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

I've fallen...done what for so long seemed abhorrent, unthinkable. Continue to.

Sunk
so
low.

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I've held so dear.

We all begin with good intent? Yes.
Love was raw and young? Yes.
We believed that we could change ourselves, the past could be undone. It seemed so possible, and there was so little to be undone.
But we carry on our backs the burden time always reveals, in the lonely light of morning, in the wound that would not heal. The unrevealed burdens of youth. Did we notice them? What did we think they were?
It's the bitter taste of losing everything that I’ve held so dear. I still don’t know all I’ve lost, and I've made some gains along the way. But I do know I came close to losing everything I’ve held dear, and it seems I’m still working on that.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

I've fallen, but I'm not lost to my friends. They don't know how far I've fallen...continue to fall. Maybe one more slip...

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Thanks. I'll call you back when the pity party is over.

Jiminy Cricket

2006-10-24T00:25:00.000-05:00

Survey says……

NOT simple.

OK. It’s not simple. I’M simple. Or so it would seem. Well, simple-minded. At least sometimes. No, please, anything but simple!

Spider, Paul and Brad don’t think it’s simple. Dr. M doesn’t think it’s simple. So why did (yes, did. I am a whore to the opinions of those I look up to) I think it’s simple.

Maybe something Dr. M said to me today is a clue. When I told him (probably for the ten thousandth time…this year) that I want to stop it (my anonymous encounters) he somehow indicated disagreement with me. I can’t even remember how he indicated it. He might even disagree with my interpretation of, or perhaps even the existence of, his “indication.” Maybe shrinks aren’t supposed to “indicate” things. But let’s just say I sensed he disagreed. I think I was right. Because he corrected me (perhaps after I indicated to him that I sensed he disagreed with me) by saying, “You wish you could stop it.”

Oh yeah, baby. Now we’re getting somewhere. I don’t WANT to stop it, because I like it. I wish I could stop it. I wish it would go away. I wish I didn’t want to do it. I wish I didn’t do it. But I don’t want to stop…because IF I DID WANT TO STOP, I WOULD STOP. Simple! Simple concept. Made (or existing as) complicated.

Bless his heart, Dr. M was quick to assure me that he meant no value judgment. Value judgment must be a really big no-no in shrink land. Regardless, I believe him. And I love him for it.

I agree with the survey. It may be simple. But IT is not simple. I wish it were simple. But wishing does not make it so. Or at least it hasn't so far.

*****************************************************************************

On a side note, I've never posted this frequently. I don’t know about you, but my head is spinning. For the life of me I can’t tell if I’m actually communicating anything or not. In fact, I suspect my blog is turning into some sort of schizo-diary. Welcome to a glimpse into Flip’s head.

Is anyone else sick of me posting about it? Or more importantly, about IT? C’mon, tell me. it’s OK. I really want to know. It doesn’t mean I will necessarily change what I do. But I might. If you wish hard enough.

Thanks for sticking with me guys. Thanks for being there. And most importantly, thanks for adding to the message. It really is getting clearer.

I love you.

Flip

PS Paul, I wish you would start your own blog.

Simple

2006-10-23T11:49:00.000-05:00

Last week I had a couple of conversations with my higher power, summarized versions of which I posted. Although I’ve started trying the conversation thing, it doesn’t mean I believe that my higher power speaks to me directly. When God speaks to me directly it always sounds too much like me to seem credibly "higher." On the other hand I do believe God speaks to me through other people, other things in my life. (There is a whole theological discussion we could have right now about whether there really is a god who has the time and/or need to speak to me, or whether I am just tuning in to a deeper part of myself, or something else. While that may be interesting, I don’t think it matters as long as I’m getting a meaningful, helpful message.)

Yesterday I received some meaningful, helpful messages:

1) Nate's post “Compasses,” and in particular an anonymous comment on that post asking Nate some very insightful questions.
2) A newspaper article entitled “Control Issues” with a subheading that says, “In a society that offers bountiful temptation – pornography, gambling, drugs, alcohol, fast food, credit – and no shame, self-restraint may be the most important personal trait of the 21st century.”
3) A Step One AA meeting where several people talked about the loss of integrity and the abject shame that is felt by “closet drinkers” which sounded similar to the situation of "closet cheaters."

As a result of these messages, I asked myself a few difficult questions...questions that admittedly I have asked myself before.

1) If I were my wife’s father, what would I think of her husband (me) and the way he has treated my daughter and continues to treat her (whether she knows it or not). If I were her father and I knew what I know about Flip, what would I advise her to do?
2) If one of my daughters married someone like me, how would I feel about that situation? That person? What would I advise my daughter to do if he did the things I have done over the past five years?
3) Am I using a lot of drama and complication related to my feelings, temptations, shame, self-esteem, fellow bloggers, addictions, pseudo-psychology, and you-name-it as a smokescreen to hide the simple truth that what I need is a little self-restraint which can be motivated by the Golden Rule and my higher power?

This time I answered them:

1) I would not like Flip. I might feel sorry for him but would still think he is basically a loser. I would advise my daughter to wish him well as she departs, and let him go off to spend as much time as he needs to figure out who/what he is while she gets on with her life – hopefully finding someone who is a little more mature and a lot more thoughtful - to spend the rest of it with.
2) See 1).
3) Yes

It's just that simple.

F

A Clarification and Some Lovingly Provoked Thoughts

2006-10-20T20:29:00.000-05:00

When posting I often, OK usually, don't know what I'm trying to say but I almost alway (think I) know what I'm NOT try to say. Unfortunately that approach can lead to confusion. Some emails I have received indicate my last post is a prime example.

To clarify: In no way was I trying to equate the search for sexual fulfillment with being an alcoholic. Rather my intent was to explore an idea for shifting my attempts at ostensibly achieving sexual fulfillment through anonymous liaisons with men back to a healthier (and likely more successful) means of actually achieving sexual fulfillment - having sex with my committed life partner...with whom I have been able to find sexual fulfillment quite a bit in the past. (Whew...I hope you survived the journey through THAT sentence!)

After I made a very poor attempt to clarify this in an email yesterday, one of my beloved readers posed a couple of difficult but very important, thought-provoking points/questions.

Just a couple of points to ponder - which I am sure you already have...

1) Maybe the sexual fulfillment with your wife was "forced" to a certain extent and you are tired of forcing it - remember, you can love a woman deeply for all the right reasons and not be sexually attracted to her.

2) Is it the sex with men or is it the anonymous sex that is the turn on?

Wow!! This was my response:

I have indeed pondered those points and I actually have pretty honest answers for them. Here they are whether you want them or not! As always these are subject to the fact that I am insane and delusional, but they do represent my best attempt at the truth today.

I truly don't think the sexual fulfillment with my wife was or is "forced." I have given this a lot of thought - especially since my shrink has indicated in the past he thought it [note: I was referring to my ability to enjoy sex with my wife] was just because I was such a horny bastard. Actually I am not tired of having sex with her - I still really enjoy it when the opportunity arises (HAHA!). In fact when I am less interested in having sex with her because I have recently "relieved my urge" so to speak through other means it makes me sad - although that might actually support your suggestion. Regardless, it is true that I am naturally more attracted to men so there is that overriding fact to consider.

I absolutely think I am searching for something other than sexual fulfillment through my encounters. It is the excitement, the danger, and all sorts of other things too. I figured this out when I had the steady boyfriend on the side and I still cheated on him, plus I am blessed with a sponsor who is gay and cheats on his boyfriend in the same way. If I did not have these two frames of reference I would probably assume that if I would just leave my wife I would settle down with one person and behave.

I really don't think anonymous encounters are wrong - except for someone like me who is in a committed relationship where they are not agreed upon. I just know that whatever need I am trying to meet through these encounters is not being met through them, but I keep trying the same behavior expecting a different outcome. I always feel crappy afterward (not immediately, but it doesn't take too long).

This is one of the things I love about blogging. You guys (male and female) are the most amazingly patient, caring and loving folks. I appreciate you all...those who take some time out of their day to ask me questions that really make me stop and think, those who comment so thoughtfully from time to time and even you guys who haven't made it onto the porch (as Brad would say) but are still out there.

Thanks for helping make my life what it is. And I mean that in a good way!

Cheers.

F

Another Conversation

2006-10-19T12:22:00.000-05:00

Hi again,

Maybe it really is that simple. On Monday I told Dr. M I wasn’t sure which came first, the lustful searching or the depression. He asked me how I felt last week when I started searching. I told him I felt really upbeat but by the next day my mood started deteriorating. Simple. I'd like to think I “wasn’t sure” because I hadn’t taken two seconds to think about it. But the truth is I suspected I wouldn't like the answer so I chose not to think about it.

Maybe it really is that simple. I’ve been taught it’s the first drink that gets me drunk and gets me in trouble because unlike “normal” drinkers I don’t stop after the first one. So why is it so difficult for me to understand that it’s not the adulterous mission accomplished that gets me in trouble, it’s the first internet “peek?” The truth is it’s not “difficult for me to understand”...it’s difficult for me to "accept" because I just don’t like it.

Maybe it really is that simple. Not easy. Not fun. Just simple.

Thanks guy. Talk to you later.

K

A Conversation

2006-10-18T13:15:00.000-05:00

Hey Guy,

I've been told that sometimes it comes down to just you and me.

What am I supposed to be learning? Why do I keep smashing my head against the brick wall?

My goals:

1) Fearlessly make a difference in the world
2) Use the multitude of gifts I have been given to align myself with your will for me and to do your work
3) Repent – not just apologize but repent - for my selfish and dishonest actions that have harmed those I love and many others, too
4) Treat those I love with respect and care…in fact treat all people that way
5) Practice my AA program in all of my affairs
6) Live with honesty and humility

My actions:

1) With pomposity, write, talk and think about making a difference in the world
2) Whine about my lot in life - pity parties all day long. Complain about all the people in my life who are not living up to my expectations for them
3) At almost any opportunity spend countless hours on the internet looking for fantasy fulfillment of lustful desires and trying to set up actual meetings for adulterous fulfillment of those desires
4) Continue to hide my actions from those I love; endanger them by exposing myself and them to diseases
5) Practice my AA program very inconsistently...usually when it is convenient or when things get bad
6) Continue to lie and practice arrogance

Yep. There’s a big gap there.

I’m aware of it. I want it to change. Until I start thinking it might feel really good to see one, touch one, use one. Then I’m not strong.

Think think think. Desire desire desire. Self-will. Self-loathing. Self self self. Time for another...the ongoing...pity party.

AA has taught me that on any given day my sobriety, my sanity are only as good as my spiritual condition. I don’t think my spiritual condition is very good. In meetings I hear people talking about how great their relationship is with their higher power. They give me ideas about how to improve my relationship with you. I listen to those ideas, nod my head with an inspired look on my face and then leave the meeting to continue the status quo.

That’s why I’m having this conversation with you. A conversation. One sided, but conversant.

What am I supposed to be learning? Is it really as simple as it seems to be? I’m afraid if it is I won’t get what I want. Just another look, another touch, another human being used for my pleasure.

That’s why I’m having this conversation with you. I guess sometimes it really is just you and me.

You could signal me if you like this. Or maybe you are. Whatever.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

K

Yeah, K

Fear is the Root of All...

2006-10-15T08:36:00.000-05:00

The root of all "evil" sounds a little grandiose.

Grandiosity (hope that's a word - let's pretend it is even if it isn't). A real problem for alcoholics. And a real problem for me. One of the dangers of blogging. Talk talk talk (OK, write write write). Clap clap clap. What a nice, smart, honest, loving, thoughtful, unselfish, blah blah blah person you are. Well gosh, I must be. Even these people that don't know me think I am. EXACTLY, Einstein.

Can we move on and continue talking about me?

Yes indeed. Let's do. Recovering alcoholic. Queer man trapped in straight marriage. Trapped? C'mon. Be honest. Remember, she knew your desires. You knew your desires. Trapped is bullshit. You are not noble. You are not special. You treated her like shit at the pinnacle of your insanity. Still do when you're having a bad time. "Boohoo, I'm depressed." Like you are some kind of hero or something. Not trapped. Unbelievably lucky that she didn't (and hasn't) kicked your ass to the curb. To the cliff. And over it.

You are a recovering lunatic. With a one day reprieve. On a good day. End of story.

Beginning of story. BA. Before Alcohol. Don't you dare try to blame alcohol for your character defects.

Beginning of story. Grandiosity. Big plans. In your head. If only. Someday. Sounds pathetic when you're sober. BUT, sounds noble, even grand, with something to take the edge off the truth.

Pour me another one. Another ten. Passed out. Hung over. Oooo, can't start on those big plans yet...not feeling so good. I'll get right on it tomorrow. TOMORROW. Is it 5:00 yet. Can I pour you some wine, I'm having some? It's 5:00 somewhere.

Those (fill in the blank) are assholes. They are destroying the world. Wait till I (fill in the blank) and then I'll change the world. I'll show them. Do we have another bottle of cabernet? I need to sit in bed. I'm really sleepy.

AA blah blah blah. Big Book blah blah blah. Quakers blah blah blah. St. Francis blah blah blah. Prison service work blah blah blah. I wish I had more (time, money, intelligence, motivation...fill it in). Then I would (end wars, save the AIDS babies, adopt an African, be on the cover of US Weekly, travel in my own Gulfstream V, fill in the blank).

Saint by association.

For almost 50 years I've been playing out a very grand life between my ears while at the same time neglecting the basics. Why? Lots of reasons. But at the end of the excuse path I see the big monster. Fear. Fear of (failing, being called queer, getting tired, being hated, being laughed at, getting sick, hurting, losing something, not getting something). Fear. It's real.

But not as real as Death. Death is the next stop after Fear. Fear is the billboard. Death the destination. It's real. What's it like to live in the little stretch of road between Fear and Death?

I'd better get moving. Today. Out of my head, past Fear but on this side of Death. Now. With what I have.

See ya there. If I can get my lazy ass out of bed.

Flip

What Happened To My Manners?

2006-10-12T11:41:00.000-05:00

I owe everyone an apology for not responding to the thoughtful and insightful comments you have made to my posts since I returned.

I have now added responses in the comment section of each post.

I'll also try to be a better blog friend by checking your blogs and commenting more regularly.

I'm sorry - and thanks for sticking with me even though I've been pretty damned thoughtless!

Flip

More Stuff

2006-10-11T11:07:00.000-05:00

While I was gone I got away from my AA program. The nearest meetings were far away from the hotel in which I was staying. But it could have been worse. In one of those interesting twists of fate....or whatever...the other person from my company with whom I was on this "mission," someone I had never met before and who lives in a different country, turned out to be an AA member also. It took us a couple of days to figure this out about each other, but it turned out to be a really nice thing. I don't think I would have had a drink had that person not been there, but it certainly made things a lot more enjoyable and easier. Plus I have a new contact to talk to when I'm having a bad day - and likewise for him.

I'm slowly getting back into the groove. I've noticed my moods and behavior are not as serene as I would like. But I know what to do. Go to more meetings. Get out of my own head. Think of others.

Since returning it has become clearer than ever to me that my wife's and my relationship had gone to hell long before I ever decided I needed to be more gay and announced I was leaving a couple of years ago. I am not using this as a way to excuse my misbehavior...the lying and cheating...the incredible, shameful selfishness and cowadice. But I do think those behaviors would have been harder for me had our relationship been as strong then as it had at times in the past.

Since returning from my trip I am beginning to remember what it was like back in the days when our relationship was strong. What it was like to feel confident in being loved and in showing love. I don't know how all that got away. I do know it was a slow, insidious progression. One that was easy to overlook in the chaos of American, middle-class family life. One that was easy to medicate away with increasing doses of wine and bourbon.

Without getting graphic, Sunday night I was reminded of how much I enjoy having sex with women. OK, one particular woman. It doesn't mean I don't lust after men as much as ever. That hasn't changed. That has always been a constant in my life. But I'm starting to remember now why I thought it was a good idea to marry a woman. One particular woman. And it wasn't just because I was young, stupid and horny, even though I was.

I readily allow misery into my life these days. Happiness I shy away from. It's a real struggle for me to embrace these good feelings and positive insights. But I'm going to try to hang on to them long enough to get back into my AA groove which I know will help me incorporate them into my life and build on them.

Life is good. It's all we have, so it kind of has to be. Unless it isn't.

I love you guys.

Flip

The Fog is Lifting Slowly

2006-10-08T06:00:00.000-05:00

VERY slowly. Since returning I've tried to conjure even a slightly coherent post in my head with nothing to show for the effort. Truly, I'm not trying to be difficult. It is just taking me much longer to get back on track than I expected.

Being so far away both in miles and culture did remind me of and teach me a few things. The most important lesson is how crucial my family and my friends are to my positive, productive existence in this world.

Perhaps it was different with my old friend alcohol by my side...I truly can't remember...but I am now a person who would much rather isolate myself than make new connections and interact with the world. I know, being in a strange place with strange working hours and jet lag is not a particularly relevant experiment. But I detected an underlying pattern of behavior that could have been easily excused with a daily dose of anesthetic.

On top of that, they really seemed to be glad I was back. That was nice too.

This lesson is very important to me in the context of my current life. It gives me a sense that being honest with myself really does mean not only accepting my sexuality but acknowledging that making every effort to stay married to the person I committed my life to all those years ago is the right thing to do. For me. Today.

Yeah, I still wonder sometimes. Crazy, huh.

This trip taught me a few other things, too. Maybe they will seem worth sharing. We'll see.

Thanks for being there. I missed you.

Flip

I'm Back

2006-10-04T10:20:00.000-05:00

My physical self is back. The rest of me is somewhere between 13 time zones away and here.

I'll catch up when I catch up.

Flip

Here's Joan!

2006-09-19T13:39:00.000-05:00

I am headed to a distant land. I don't want to blow my cover, but let's say if I were going to the capital city of this country I might be able to visit a museum dedicated to the greatest (female) shoe collector known to man. If such a museum existed. Which I doubt it does, But I won't be able to find out. Because I will be in a different city.

Brad has once again kindly offered to guest host for me. Of course he will do this only as time permits...and I happen to know he is a pretty busy guy.

Spider has offered to assist...although it sounds like he would prefer to be stationed under the desk. Hmmm, well, what happens here stays here I guess. Anyway, it's entirely up to Brad what he does until I am back, so he is welcome to take Spider up on any offer of assistance he wishes. Have at it guys. (I mean blogwise, of course).

I will check in whenever possible but will try to limit any participation to commenting rather than posting.

Cheers everyone!

Flip

An Excuse

2006-09-17T10:36:00.000-05:00

I continue to struggle with being the blogworld citizen I would like to be. I neither read / comment on others' blogs nor post on mine with sufficient quality or frequency. It seems this is not an uncommon phenomenon, but it's troublesome nevertheless.

Two days ago an "opportunity" presented itself in the form of an unplanned business trip to the other side of the planet. I leave on Tuesday and return in two to three weeks. I should have at least periodic online access but I really don't know.

At least it's an excuse for sorry-ass blogworld participation. And perhaps I will return with renewed vigor...or the resolve to pull the plug...or???

Cheers!

Flip

Faith

2006-09-14T10:50:00.000-05:00

The danger seeping through yesterday's post is the potential for returning to an alcoholic thought pattern...a grandiose way of thinking.

It goes something like this:

**Think, think, think.**
Wow! I've got it!!

I am so unique I can solve all of the world's problems if I just set my mind to it. Forget about taking care of inconsequential problems like making sure the dishwasher is emptied and my car registration is up to date. My time on earth is too short and I'm too talented to waste my time on things like that.

This is great. I've found the answer to my life's calling. Now let me
pour a glass of wine, chill out and think about all I'm going to accomplish....starting tomorrow. Wow, this feels really good. I'm getting it all sorted out! Let me pour another....and another...and another...

Tomorrows come. Nothing is taken care of...neither car registrations nor world peace. Nothing.

Goals and dreams are great, but they are accomplished one step
at a time. All moving in the right direction.

What I need to do is have faith that if I keep taking those steps...just doing the next right thing day after day...I'm going to achieve the maximum I'm capable of. For real. Not just in my head.

Have a good day.

Flip

Yikes!

2006-09-13T09:31:00.000-05:00

What would you give up so that the people you love the most could stay alive and live to their fullest potential? Would you give your life? Would you give your eyesight? Would you give up your happiness? Your serenity? Your SUV? Your air conditioning? Your Ipod? Your right to feel superior?

I’ve often wondered how or if our country would still be fighting in Iraq if W’s twin daughters were in the army and stationed over there – no special treatment, just a couple of regular recruits. Would our country’s military strategy be different?

What am I willing to give up? In a heartbeat I would give my life to save my daughters’ lives, to allow them to live and prosper to their fullest potential; but that’s an easy one. What am I willing to give up today to ensure they are able to live full, happy lives? “Why, anything...almost...I guess,” I say. “Then why aren’t you, Flip?. Why are you spending your life working as a capitalist, corporate drone, charging others money to help them figure out how to encourage as many people as possible to consume as much as possible? More, more, more. Instead of that, why aren’t you working to save as much of what’s left of this planet’s resources and living environment? For your kids. For your loved ones. For everyone else’s kids and loved ones.”

My answer is, “Bills to pay, mouths to feed, tuition to pay, on and on… And I do spend a few hours each week on service work, too, you know.”

Right, Flip. And Barbara and Jenna would love to fight alongside our troops, but first they need to get a good education and find themselves....a good publicist.

W really gets my goat. He falls in the category of “The Things I Cannot Change.” I fall in the category of “The Things I Can Change.” All it takes is courage.

I’m extremely grateful for and proud of the men and women…our kids, our fellow human beings…serving our country in the military. I am grateful for the men and women who have given their lives over the past centuries to allow our country to fulfill its potential. I wonder how they would judge the fruits of their sacrifice in the year 2006. Are we fulfilling our potential? Our potential to....?

It reminds me of the second chance at life I've been given through sobriety. The only way I can keep that gift is to give it away. Sure, I’ve got to be healthy and take care of myself to be able to give it away. But I also have to be humble and grateful. I’ve got to be willing to never turn my back on a fellow alcoholic, regardless of his or her state of health or recovery, nationality, religion, age, sexual orientation, political beliefs, color, or anything else. Never. No matter what.

Fellow alcoholics? Fellow human beings? What's the difference?

Humility and gratitude. Is it sitting armed in my air-conditioned Hummer on the US / Mexico border with a self-righteous itch to shoot somebody who’s trying to receive the same gift I’ve received? I don’t think so.

OK, Flip, that’s what it ISN’T. Now tell us what it is. And don’t forget, talk is cheap. How about practicing it? Starting today.

Yikes!

Peace everybody.

Flip

Fantasy Land

2006-09-12T18:30:00.000-05:00

I can make up elaborate stories in my head. Not necessarily a bad thing except they often include how other people are feeling, what they are thinking and what their motives are.

A while back in a meeting I heard this guy say that through recovery he had finally come to the realization that just because he thinks something it doesn't mean it's true.

Wow. What a concept.

F

Approaching Willing

2006-09-05T14:08:00.000-05:00

I just reread my prior post. It certainly contained a lot of words (mostly quotes from books) and a number of typos, too. The typos - at least the ones I found - have been corrected. And thanks to all who made the effort to slog through all those words.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Although I haven't yet run this by my sponsor (and it may all change after I do), it has finally dawned on me that perhaps I'm reluctant to do my Eighth Step (the list) and begin making Ninth Step amends because I am still sexually "acting out" (my apologies for the euphemism - but hey, it's my blog). Or to be a little more honest, because I'm not doing everything in my power to stop "acting out." I may be a slimeball, but even I cannot imagine making amends to my wife for all the pain I have brought her while still knowing I'm not doing everything I can to stay true to her.

As I have heard in meetings, it may be up to our higher power to remove our character defects, but it's probably a lot easier if we are not actively engaging in them. I don't know why it took me so long to figure out this applies to me too, but it really sank in last week when I was preparing to discuss "repentance" with the prisoners. This was the fourth time in the past year and a half I've prepared for the same "repentance" session, but this time my understanding of how it applied to me was very different. Perhaps I was ready...ready to listen, ready to get honest. Then over the weekend while browsing at the used bookstore I came across an incredible book (which I have already finished) devoted to Steps Six and Seven. How very timely.

Last week I tried praying repeatedly for the willingness to be entirely ready to have removed the character defect that allows me to have anonymous sex with men without my wife's knowledge (there, I said it). Of course I know it's not gone. I know it's as close as my...well, fill in your own euphemism. But for today I feel a lot closer to being willing to have it removed (the character defect, not...um..."it"... although that would probably be most effective) than I have in the past. I am attributing this to prayers, service work and keeping my eyes open at the bookstore.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Changing the subject, does anyone have ideas for new words or phrases I can use in my profile description (the "Middle age, middle America blah blah blah") that might be more indicative of what to expect in this blog? Perhaps it is fine as it stands, but I'm not sure. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated as I am thinking of modifying it.

Have a good day and thanks for being there.

Flip

Difficult And Often Not Fun At All

2006-09-01T14:23:00.000-05:00

Part One

Pages 84 and 85 in The Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous, provide suggestions for following Step Ten ("Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.") Two passages from these pages which helped me yesterday are:

"It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition." (p. 85)

"We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and tolerance of others is our code." (P.84)

On my way to work yesterday I was pondering hooking up with someone at lunch. I knew doing this would be wrong because in my current circumstances it is a selfish and dishonest action. This time I decided to try something new. I said a quick prayer asking for help with this.

As soon as I got to work I was unexpectedly and immediately embroiled in a situation involving a co-worker and friend from a company associated with mine who for reasons most probably related to substance abuse is about to lose his job. Yesterday he was at the point of a complete emotional breakdown. I had the opportunity to assist in convincing him he needed to take some immediate steps to arrest his downward spiral. This "intervention" lasted through mid-afternoon. I had neither time for nor thoughts of hooking up.

I hope this helped my friend. Time will tell. For me, it was the answer to a prayer.

Part Two

After the aforementioned "intervention" I exchanged emails with an online friend in which we were sharing some recent experiences as married queers (just checking to see if you are there, Brad). I think the combination of sharing some of the darker aspects of my experience as an alcoholic earler in the day plus pondering the married / bi situation sent my mood into a sudden and unexpected downward spiral towards despair. I wallowed in that for a few minutes, but then remembered it was almost time to start on the long drive to my weekly service work at the prison. Before leaving I needed to prepare for the session.

The topic of last night's session was "Repentance." One of the books we use in the program is Restoring Peace, Using Lessons From Prison to Mend Broken Relationships, by Kirk Blackard.

A few of the passages from the chapter on repentance that really spoke to me were:

"Repentance involves much more than a change of mind or behavior, or feeling sorry for one's actions. It is more than a jailhouse conversion or temporary change until the tumult dies down. True repentance is a transformation in which a person's fundamental character and being, not just his surface behavior, become permanently different. Repentance is the process by which humans leave their sins and bad behavior behind and radically and deliberately change their hearts and attitudes as well as their actions." (P. 105)

Repentance is difficult and often not fun at all. C. S. Lewis described the process as follows in Mere Chritianity:

In other words, fallen man is not simply an imperfect creature who needs mprovements: he is a rebel who must lay down his arms. Laying down your arms, surrendering, saying you are sorry, realising that you have been on the wrong track and getting ready to start life over again from the ground floor -- that is the only way our of our 'hole.' This process of surrender -- this movement full speed astern -- is what Christians call repentance. Now repentance is no fun at all. It is something much harder than merely eating humble pie. It means unlearning all the self-conceit and self-will that we have been training ourselves into for thousands of years. It means killing part of yourself, undergoing a kind of death.

(p 106)

"The journey of change, like climbing a mountain, is usually a difficult struggle, with temptations to quit or turn back. When you complete the journey, however, you are in an entirely new world that is very different from where you started. The old world is still there, but it is less significant, you see it differently. When you enter your new world, you have repented." (P. 107)

"Repentance is not a one-time event, but is an ongoing, daily, hourly attitude and change of life." (P. 107)

"Focusing less on "me" and more on others will probably help you in transforming yourself and your relationships with others." (P. 109)

"The next step is change. If your focus...has been on yourself, you now realize you need to develop an "other" focus in your life and plan to transform yourself by emphasizing others. Listening, empathizing with others, embracing better choices, seeking God's help, and viewing repentance as a journey will help you with this process." (P.109)

After doing the reading necessary to prepare for last night's session my mood had changed. The feeling of despair was gone.

My thoughts and actions indicate to me that I still need to change, to lay down my arms, to surrender, to "move full speed astern." Real and lasting change is difficult. It is often not fun at all.

But I have complete faith that it's worth it.

Have a great weekend.

Flip

Flipped

2006-08-29T14:48:00.000-05:00

I think I may have previously posted about this, or something like it. Or maybe someone else did. Either way it is very much on my mind right now.

When I was young, I had dreams of what I wanted to be when I grew up. What kind of career I wanted to have. What kind of man I wanted to be. What I wanted to accomplish during my time on earth. I tried to, at least somewhat, coordinate my actions with those dreams.

Somewhere in the past couple of decades it flipped. I started changing my dreams to align with, or more honestly, to justify my actions.

Dreams replaced by contrivances.

Now my brain is clearing. I’m growing up. Some of those old dreams are coming back…along with some new ones. Now some of my actions are aligned with those dreams. That needs to become more consistent, more natural. I believe I’m on course for that to happen.

I hope and pray I can stay on that course. I have faith it will be worth it.

F

A Chance A Gift

2006-08-27T09:20:00.000-05:00

A common thought that is often shared in AA meetings is that people's lives are much better than they could ever have imagined when they first started in the program...and also much different than they could ever have foreseen. This is usually followed by some sort of acknowledgement that there continue to be problems...often serious ones...but those problems are now faced without drinking or drugging about them. And that, of course, makes all the difference in the world.

This is true for me. When I entered the program in March 2004 I was well on my way to divorcing my wife and moving out of my home. I was spending much more money than I was earning - a lot of it on my "boyfriend" who was starting to look like an inevitable but horrifying next chapter in the sad book of my life. To put it simply, my life was unmanageable and the future held little promise.

None of the scenarios I could play out in my sick mind included: staying married, staying sober, realizing that I had a lot of work to do in healing/restoring/creating a true loving relationship with my life partner, finding a God of my understanding, even understanding what finding a God of my understanding meant, driving to a state correctional facility on the other side of town once a week to talk to prisoners about restoration / redemption / spirituality and being inevitably inspired by them, having a closer than ever relationship with my children, joining that "cult" of religious fanatics called AA, burying my best friend after his tragic, way too early death courtesy of alcoholism, beginning once again to dream the dreams I had as a child and believe there might be a way for them to come true, having a blog, having a beloved cadre of blogbrothers and blogsisters around the world, the list goes ON and ON.

Is it all great? No. I still fight desires for anonymous sex; sometimes successfully, sometimes not. I still ride a rollercoaster of mood swings. I have no doubt that countless miseries await. But that's life.

And now I have a chance to participate in it.

That's a gift.

Take care. I love you all.

Flip

Clarification and Recommendation

2006-08-22T13:46:00.000-05:00

Clarification

I just want to let you know a few things that may or may not be clear from my blog.

I've never been particularly religious - in fact at times I've been an avowed atheist. I write a lot about spirituality and the God of my understanding in this blog because it is a new and exciting part of my life that has come about because of my involvement in AA. It is very much on my mind these days. Writing about spirituality, and more importantly reading your comments about what I write, helps me immensely in my thinking.
I write a lot about AA because it means a lot to me. It is a gift that has saved my life. I use AA as a blueprint for my life right now. But I'm NOT a spokesperson for AA. I often hesitate to write about it in this forum because of the Eleventh Tradition of AA, which states, "Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films." Obviously this blog is not "at the level of press," but it's important to anyone who reads my blog to understand that I do not represent AA. If I fail, it is not because AA does not work.
I sometimes hesitate to share what is going on in my life because I know what goes up must come down and vice-versa. But it is a true representation of my life. Therefore I usually record the large swings.

Recommendation

Tom recommended the current post, "Church Outside the Bottle" on the blog, The Golden Ass. It is a great view of AA from a non-member's perspective. I found it very interesting, especially in light of my ongoing thoughts on spirituality and religion.

Thanks for the recommendation, Tom. And thanks for helping end my latest pity party, too!

As always, I appreciate all of you more than you will ever know.

Flip

Oh Yeah

2006-08-21T23:47:00.000-05:00

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

I don't understand what It / She / He is. But I DO understand what She / He / It isn't.

He / It / She is NOT me, my committee or anyone else in the boat with me.

F

Today's Agenda

2006-08-20T15:21:00.000-05:00

My Shitty Committee, the one that resides in my brain overseeing my mental illness, has been working overtime for the past few days. On the agenda for today's meeting:

Bisexual and married. What a joke. Try gay, cowardly, dishonest and in denial.

Everyone else in this miserable little lifeboat seems to be either already facing or preparing to face the truth and moving on with their lives - and more importantly letting their victims move on with their lives. Not me. I guess I'm different, unique. I can stay married - or as I put it "not be divorced." Seems to be working really well.

Wish I could write more but need to get back to Craig's List and keep looking for a hookup.

Have a nice day.

Flip

PS Boo fucking hoo. Self-pity is so appealing. I know you are all great and very supportive but please don't encourage this kind of behavior by leaving sympathetic comments. I need to learn.

If...

2006-08-17T01:38:00.000-05:00

...you are concerned about the future of our country and our world I suggest you read this book.

The Middle Mind, Why Americans Don't Think For Themselves,
by Curtis White.

He doesn't blame The Right or The Left. He blames us.

Entirely is a Whole Lot

2006-08-13T12:24:00.000-05:00

From Alcoholics Anonymous

Step Four: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Step Five: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Step Six: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Step Seven: Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Step Eight: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

My first year in AA I mostly wanted to hurry up and get through the 12 Steps as though I could then pronounce myself healed and get on with my life. In meetings, when I heard people explaining the folly of their having held this very belief – and agreed with their logic – deep inside I knew it didn’t apply to me. I was different. Terminally unique as we say in the cult.

Early on that first year I was anxious to start Step Four, my personal inventory. This was the first real assignment – a written exam - where I could demonstrate my superior intelligence and understanding of the task at hand. I knew I could excel at this.

My sponsor had to remind me several times that he would let me know when I was ready. Damn control freak. Eight or nine months into my sobriety he finally told me I was ready and I should start writing my Step Four inventory. At that point I put on the brakes. I had thought it all out in my head. It was as good as done, and I had done a terrific job of it – in my head. Why should I have to take the time to write it down? Of course I didn’t tell my sponsor this, but it’s the closest I can come to describing the process of being anxious to complete the task until I was actually told to complete it, then being almost incapable of making myself complete it. A pattern which was, and continues to be, very common in my life.

A couple of months later my sponsor gave me a hard and fast deadline for Step Four completion – which only had to be extended once.

The morning after completing Step Five (an excruciating review of the Step Four inventory with my sponsor) I set aside an hour or so to sit peacefully near a quiet duck pond near our house. I reviewed my written Step Four and what had transpired during Step Five. Being a good analyst I made a list of my character defects. A shortcomings hit list, if you will. Next I read Steps Six and Seven then looked back at the hit list. Well, of course I was entirely ready to have those defects removed. What a grotesque collection of attributes. There was absolutely no problem humbly asking the god of my (mis)understanding to remove those shortcomings. I said the Seventh Step prayer*. And I really meant it…to the best of my understanding…

In retrospect, if there had been a flash of lightning and my character defects had all been completely removed at that moment, it would have been like having all of my bones removed. I would have fallen to the ground into a quivering, shapeless mass of humanity. My character defects were just about all that was holding me together.

It is now a year and a half later. I have still not done Step Eight. But in the meantime, as has been partially catalogued on this blog, I have continued to enjoy, wallow in, and even refine, some of my character defects. At the same time I have put forth a concerted effort to eradicate many of those same defects. But I have not progressed to Step Eight. My sponsor stands ready to go over the list with me, but he has left it up to me to make the appointment. It has been made once then cancelled by me.

Over the past month or so at least three quarters of the AA meetings I have attended have been Step Six and/or Step Seven meetings…a coincidence I’m sure. A fact also coinciding with my developing a much deeper understanding of Six and Seven…particularly the word “entirely” in Step Six and the fact that these steps do not require me to work tirelessly to eradicate my character defects. They only require me to be honestly, completely...entirely...and humbly ready to have them removed. Not work really hard to remove them, but have them removed. Of course it probably wouldn’t hurt if I put forth a little effort – but the key is willingness not relentless action. And it's up to me neither which ones are removed nor when or even if they are removed.

Sometimes it’s a lot easier to hammer away at life frantically and desperately than it is to wait, contemplate, ask sincerely then let go and be patient. OK, for me not “sometimes.” Always. Up until now.

Have a great day.

Flip

* Seventh Step Prayer, page 76, Alcoholics Anonymous:

"My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen."

A Dialogue

2006-08-08T10:27:00.000-05:00

In my last therapy session I discussed the fact that my wife doesn’t seem that interested in me…how my life is changing through AA, my slow but steady spiritual experience, the interest I have in the service work I do each week. My doctor didn't point out any of the painfully obvious reasons why she might not be completely interested in every little thing I do. And of course he didn't need to.

Touchstones, A Book of Daily Meditations for Men, August 7 passage:

“We love because it’s the only true adventure.”
- Nikki Giovanni

In loving, we meet ourselves. As we have become more honest, we no longer make
excuses about our relationship problems. We can’t blame our troubles on our
partner. Our problems with love were often because we didn’t know how to be
close or we didn’t dare to be.

When we let ourselves engage in this adventure, we meet many obstacles – things we can’t control, and sometimes we want to quit right there. We have arguments and disappointments as well as good feelings. But what adventure is without difficulty or surprises? Part of the reason for choosing new experiences is to confront forces outside our control. A relationship is a dialogue. Only if we stay with it through the frustrations, express our deepest feelings openly, and listen to our partner, do we achieve a new level of understanding and confidence in the relationship. Then deeper levels also open within ourselves.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Today I will let honesty guide me in this adventure of my love dialogue.

When I’m traveling one of the last things I do each day is call home to talk to my wife. I’m ashamed to admit it, but often I’m so tired by that time I just want to get the call over with. I know that’s not right, and I make a half-hearted effort to converse. But usually the hotel room TV is on and, I’m even more ashamed to admit, often my laptop is on and waiting to be “tuned in” to some less-than-savory websites.

I am out of town this week. Last night, as soon as I got back to my hotel room from dinner I called my wife. I didn’t turn on the TV. I didn’t get out my laptop. I called her and concentrated on talking to her. On listening to her. And when she said she was just babbling and if there was something else I needed to do she would understand, I told her there was nothing else I would rather be doing. And I meant it.

It was nice.

I’m a slow learner. But I’m really glad I have been given a chance to learn at all.

Take care.

Flip

This Explains a Lot...

2006-08-03T11:46:00.000-05:00

Your Penis Name Is...

Curious George

Penis Name Generator

Thanks to Spider for recommending this.

Hope everyone had a good weekend.

Flip

PS I know this is a very lame post. I apologize. I hope to have something a little meatier (?) very soon.

Happy Birthday Brad and Spidey

2006-08-03T11:07:00.000-05:00

Today is Brad's and Spider's birthday.

I was hoping that my muse would inspire me to quote and / or write something extremely inspirational in their honor. Alas, as of 11 AM, my muse is AWOL.

The best I can do is to say with all my heart that each of these gentlemen, in his own way, has affected my life profoundly.

They teach me. They inspire me. They encourage me. And they demonstrate for me the power of unconditional love.

I hope you both have the wonderful day you so richly deserve.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY - and many happy returns of the day!

I love you,

Flip

All Is Well - The Party's Over

2006-07-31T17:12:00.000-05:00

Fourth and last for today!

The pity party is over. I am better already.

Thank you. I appreciate your concern. I apologize for the drama. Leo at his worst maybe?

Take care,

Flip

911

2006-07-31T14:25:00.000-05:00

Post #3 today. Not good.

Your attention please. An emergency response team (lexaproshrinksponsoralcoholicsanonymous) has been summoned to extinguish the pity party raging out of control in my head.

Regular programming should resume shortly.

Thank you for your patience.

Happy Hour

2006-07-31T11:47:00.000-05:00

Post #2 for today.

I don't use alcohol. But that doesn't mean I don't get drunk.

Weekend Special:
Emotional Bloody Mary

Fill tall glass with icy stares

add 2 shots resentment
and 1 shot self-pity
top off glass with fear
stir until emotions are bruised
sprinkle anger on top

Drink and repeat, drink and repeat, drink and repeat...

The Beam The Cult

2006-07-31T07:48:00.000-05:00

From AA related literature (An Interpretation of the Twelve Steps - The Detroit Pamphlet):

Today most commercial flying is done on a radio beam. A directional beam is produced to guide the pilot to his destination, and as long as he keeps on this beam he knows that he is safe, even if he cannot see around him for fog, or get his bearings in any other way.As soon as he gets off the beam in any direction he is in danger, and he immediately tries to get back on to the beam once more.

From a poster found in many AA groups:

ON THE BEAM / OFF THE BEAM

HONESTY / DISHONEST

FAITH / FEAR

COURAGE / FRIGHTENED

CONSIDERATE / INCONSIDERATE

HUMILITY / PRIDE

GIVING / GREEDY

CALM / ANGER

GRATEFUL / ENVY

PATIENCE / IMPATIENT

TOLERANCE / INTOLERANT

FORGIVENESS / RESENTMENT

LOVE / HATE

SELF - FORGETFULNESS / SELF-PITY

HUMILITY / SELF-JUSTIFICATION

MODESTY / SELF-IMPORTANCE

SELF - FORGIVENESS / SELF-CONDEMNATION

TRUST / SUSPICION

MODERATION / GLUTTONY

ACTION / SLOTH

Today I'm "off the beam."

So what.

Am I a healthy member of AA or am I a two-bit Tom Cruise-like cult member?

Later.

Flip

Going to L

2006-07-26T12:22:00.000-05:00

Brad tagged me with a meme asking me to think of ten words that both describe me and start with the letter "L."

Of course I can't just follow directions. Since it's all about me it must be exceptionally (terminally) special and unique. So I'm exceeding ten words by sharing the initial, substandard in my view, list I came up with and then the words that three other friends / co-workers added when I asked them. Perhaps "lawbreaker" should be added to the list.

Here are the words I thought of:

Loser
Loud
Lost
Lazy
Loquacious
Liar
Licentious

Then I solicited words from my closest friend, JT. Here is her kinder, gentler offering.

Laughs
Loving
Loyal
Laudatory
Lavish
Leader
Liberal
Leo
Loather

Two good friends / co-workers added:

Likeable
Laughter
Loose (in a good way)
Lively

So let me address each list, starting with my own.

Loser: This is not healthy, but when I'm hosting a self-pity party it is my default description of myself.

Loud: I was a very loud drunk. I am also a quite loud sober person. The difference is that when I was drinking I was loud anywhere, anytime...screw the rest of you. Now I am typically only loud around people with whom and in situations where I feel very comfortable.

Lost: If you have read much of my blog at all this is self-explanatory, although I am feeling more "found" all the time.

Lazy: When on a mission I am tireless. When left to my own devices I can spend an entire day sitting in bed reading a good book.

Loquacious: I'm very expressive. My favorite way to think something through is by talking about it - preferably with someone else present. I am sure this gets very tiresome to the people around me. In fact sometimes it gets very tiresome to me, too. Unfortunately it often leads to problems inherent in speaking THEN thinking.

Liar: If you read my blog you know this describes me. I’m not proud of it. I don’t do it much - but any at all is TOO much. And you know what kind of lies I mean. The ones that count. Not the ones that are told to keep other people from being hurt.

Licentious: See “liar.”

My bestest friend JT’s list:

Laughs: I love to laugh. And I love to make other people laugh. Almost more than anything in the world. This is how I relate to the world. But (way too) often it is cynical and sarcastic. I'm trying to cut down on that kind of laughter (both within myself and as a way of making others laugh). I think this falls in the category of “our greatest strengths are often our greatest weaknesses.”

Loving: I hope this is self-explanatory. But sometimes, all too often, my weaknesses get in the way of this. I would like to work on that.

Loyal: I am very loyal to friends and causes. This seems contradictory vis-a-vis "liar" and "licentious." Yeah. I'm a contradiction. I'll bet you are too or you wouldn't be reading this.

Laudatory: I ALWAYS try to give credit where credit is due. I hate it when people take credit for something they did not do. I'd die if I ever thought someone thought I did that. I especially practice this at work with the people on my team...because I remember what it’s like to work with someone who does the opposite.

Lavish: Not in material things for myself...but in living life in general. Perhaps just short of "over the top" sometimes?

Leader: The scrawny wimp/faggot who grew up in Texas in the 70’s does not see himself in this way. Apparently others do.

Liberal: And getting more so every day. Hello Society of Friends. Hello vow of poverty.

Leo: Through and through.

Loather: The dark side intense loyalty. As an alcoholic in recovery for today, I can no longer afford the luxury of loathing anyone or anything. This will kill me. And I know it.

Friends’ list:

Likeable: I would be a pretty unsuccessful people-pleaser if this didn’t show up on someone’s list!

Lively and Loose (in a good way…and just between you and me, a bad way too): This goes along with Lavish, Laughter, Loud, Loquacious and as far as I can tell, Leo. Too bad “attention whore” doesn’t start with an “l.”

Brad, thank you for choosing me and giving me such a lovely letter with which to work.

I would like to tag Cymber with "S"
Drew with "I" and
Hypoxic with "P." As in Pretty Please Kevin????

Later.

Flip

Believing Is Seeing

2006-07-24T08:12:00.000-05:00

When I was growing up my grandmother tried both frequently and valiantly to make me into the religious person she wanted me to be. As part of our ongoing dialogue I remember her trying to explain her understanding of faith and how it allowed her to suspend any expectation of the rational or logical in religion. If she were around today I'm sure she would disagree with my interpretation of what she was trying to teach me, but that's what it sounded like to me. And I found it ludicrous.

Today I find myself in the very strange, ironic situation of starting to understand the concept of faith as it relates to spirituality and my life in general.

Along with some books I have already cited as part of my (what should be) daily routine of readings and meditations I read a daily passage from the book Streams in the Desert which was originally published in 1925 (the copy I have was published in 1966). I just happened upon it in a used bookstore and for some reason it called out to me. It is very Christian-centric as opposed to the more generic spiritual approach taken by my other daily readings. I enjoy that contrast, and even though I am not a Christian it frequently communicates what I need to hear.

The Streams in the Desert message from yesterday is summed up by this quote:

Faith is to believe what we do not see, and the reward of this faith is to see what we believe.
- St. Augustine

Incredibly, I understand this now from a couple of different perspectives.

I understand faith because I have seen it work in my own life. It did not, and still does not, make sense to me how following AA's Twelve Steps could help me stop drinking. And the beauty of this is that one does not have to understand it. In fact it is strongly suggested that one NOT try to figure it out. One only needs a shred of faith that the approach might work (or more often desperation-invoked or court-ordered willingness) for it to start working. When I go to meetings and talk to other alcoholics I see many lives that have not only been saved but also unbelievably improved by starting with a tiny bit of faith.

I am also now beginning to understand faith as it relates to spirituality (sorry...still choking on the "r" word). The first eleven words in Step Twelve state one of the side benefits of following the steps:

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

A spiritual awakening? Good grief. When I first started getting sober I paid no attention to that...and if I had I would have thought it complete bullshit anyway. Now I'm starting to experience it.

I've seen the power of faith within AA and am now beginning to see the power of faith in the rest of my life. I don't know who or what God is, but I have faith that my higher power exists. I believe it without needing to understand it. But though it is faith without scientific understanding, it is not blind faith. I see, hear from and experience my higher power all around me. And the more I surrender to my faith the more I experience.

For me, for today, believing is seeing.

It's a gift. A TRUE gift. Unearned, undeserved, but granted still.

Take care,

Flip

PS Back with L's shortly.

It's Always 20/20, But That Doesn't Mean It's Always Clear

2006-07-21T10:31:00.000-05:00

Anyone who has spent even a short amount of time searching has discovered that we Not Entirely Straight Guys In Straight Marriages (NESGISM) are a dime a dozen in blogland. It doesn't diminish the fact that each of our stories is different and that we are all struggling. But since my very first foray into this world I have always found writings from our marital counterparts - Wives OF NESGISM (WONESGISM?? Yikes!) - to be extremely enlightening and very much appreciated.

One shining example is Bea and her blog Sh-out. Check it out if you haven't already. The question she asked that I referenced in my last post (check it out if you haven't already) continues to swirl around in my mind. It's a question that should be asked. But I'm not sure the answer is that helpful to NESGISM or WONESGISM. And I'm saying that because I'm really not sure, not because I am sure but want to be vague or polite.

I have two related questions for Bea and the rest of the wives out there. And just like Bea I am not trying to be judgmental. I am really curious.

If, before you married, your husband had told you about his attraction to other men, would you still have married him? Why or why not?

I can answer the first question for my wife. Her answer is "Yes" because she did. I can't answer the second question for her, but I will probably ask her sometime. If and when our relationship has healed a little more.

Have a great weekend.

Flip

PS In the future I'll try not to get carried away with acronyms. It's very irritating. I'm not sure what got into me...

A Gentle Reminder Received. A Pondering Described.

2006-07-19T21:08:00.000-05:00

No names of course, But Recently A Dear friend of this blog very diplomatically pointed out that a possibly unacceptable length of time had passed without a fresh post. I felt a brief pang of guilt which was immediately replaced by that oh so pleasant, ego-boosting feeling of being missed. ("Why, I didn't even think anyone would notice!" The attention whore said hoping desperately for a compliment.)

Here we go...

I subscribe to a free service, Just For Today, that in the wee hours of each weekday sends an email containing a brief quote from AA literature. It is nice to have that reminder each workday when I first log on to email. And it's especially helpful on those mornings when I don't have (make) the time to sit down with my daily readings before charging into the day.

I found yesterday's Just For Today quote to be a good description of how many of us alcoholics seem to manage our lives into unmanageability.

"As I look back on that period, I realize how true it is that one of the primary differences between alcoholics and nonalcoholics is that nonalcoholics change their behavior to meet their goals and alcoholics change their goals to meet their behavior. Everything that had been important to me, all of my dreams, goals, and aspirations, were swept away in a wave of booze."

P. 423, "The Big Book" - Alcoholics Anonymous, pg. 423

In addition to helping me understand how I let my life get so out of control before I sobered up, this quote has been swirling around in the same part of my (pea) brain that is pondering an answer to a question posed by Bea in her most recent post, "gay husbands tell all". If you have not already checked it out, I highly recommend a visit to Bea's blog, Sh-out.

Bea, in a non-judgmental way, asked us not-entirely-straight husbands in straight marriages, "For one reason or another, despite your sexual attraction to men, you married a woman. Why?"

Please understand, I'm not suggesting that being a gay husband in a straight marriage is the same as being an alcoholic. I just wonder if being an alcoholic is the only situation in life that might cause a person to change their goals to meet their behavior instead of routinely changing behavior to meet goals. Or maybe, for whatever reason, at some point in our lives we NES husbands, consciously or unconsciously, successfully or unsuccessfully, start to change our goals to meet those suppressed (or not so successfully suppressed) behaviors.

And although altering goals to accommodate addictive behavior is clearly not a healthy approach, I find it very interesting to think about the interplay between desire, behavior and long-term goals and how that might affect a person and those around him or her. It's not enirely clear to me that goals driving behavior is always feasible, or even always best.

Bea's thought-provoking question has led me to ask some related questions. For example: What thoughts and feelings led you to make the dramatic change in your life (coming out, moving out, or whatever)? Did your goals change before, during and after that "event?" If so, how and why do you think they changed? Did the "event" drive the goal changes or did the goal changes drive the event? I'm sure others will surface too.

I don't yet know my personal answers to these questions. I continue to ponder. But I do know that three years ago I was desperately trying to conjure some pretty crazy goals that I hoped might justify some pretty insane behaviors and decisions.

Above all, I'm extremely grateful that I have been given the gift of sobriety that, just for today, allows me to be clear-headed enough to be able to ponder these things.

Take care.

Flip

God in a Happy Meal? Crazy.

2006-07-12T12:58:00.000-05:00

I used to think it was really dumb when I heard people say things like "God is everywhere." What in the hell does that mean? Is he in my Happy Meal? Is he in Darfur? Doesn't seem that way. It just sounded ludicrous.

Well, I don't go around saying things like, "God is everywhere." But my feelings about that statement are very different now than ever before in my life.

Let me explain. I don't know what God is...to you or anyone else. But for today I have a small spark of the beginning of a smidgen of an inkling that I might be fixin' to have a slight idea of what God might be to me. Maybe just for today and definitely just for me. God is the serenity I feel at this moment. And God is the fact that I now pray for things. Not things like a new car. Things like the willingness to really really want my desire - my obsession - to have anonymous sex with other men to be taken away from me. Just the willingness. I'm not yet ready to pray that the obsession be removed. I'm just working on the willingness.

God is everywhere? Maybe. I don't know if I believe that. I do believe that God speaks to us in many ways and in many places. If we are listening. If we are willing to listen.

God is miracles. I used to think miracles were as likely as God in a Happy Meal. I thought miracles were planes spinning out of control suddenly guided to earth. Bullets stopped in mid-air. Superman stuff. I don't know about those kind of miracles. But I do know that people who are completely out of control, lower than low, broken, killing themselves in a cowardly, slow way can be restored to sanity. Not just restored to being OK, but given the ability to live the lives they always...and never...knew they wanted to, or could, live.

God speaks to me in AA meetings. I get messages from God when I sit in a prison listening to criminals. God talks to me on the subway as I watch people. I hear from God when somebody calls me and asks me for a ride to an AA meeting. God speaks to me through you, in your blogs. In your comments. In your presence. My God does.

It's crazy. But it's good crazy. And I now know I prefer good crazy to bad crazy.

Am I really writing this?

Good God!

Crazy.

Have a great day.

Flip

Service, Part I

2006-07-10T05:55:00.000-05:00

Step 12 of AA states: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Even though this is the last step, from the very beginning members of AA are encouraged to do service work which can help other alcoholics. It is said that in order to keep it ("it" being the gift of sobriety) you must give it away.

From early in sobriety my sponsor encouraged (hounded?) me to do service work. Being the rebellious sort I resisted for a while. Even though I finally complied, I still had to make it a little different (to fulfill that "terminal uniqueness" so near and dear to my heart). At the same time I was looking for a service work "position" I had also recently become passionately opposed to the death penalty. (An interesting step in my sobriety - similar to some sort of adolescent declaration of self - upon which I will not elaborate at this time.)

Back to the point. My interest in the death penalty led me to explore possible AA service work in jails. That exploration led me to this website:

BTL

I read most everything on the website. It looked pretty "Christian" to me - a scary thing at the time. And it wasn't exactly AA service work, but the program sure looked similar in content and intent.

I was intrigued, so I sent an email to one of the contacts asking if someone like me - an AA member with about a year of sobriety and a very real yet very sketchy concept of a higher power - might work out as a facilitator.

Within a week I found myself sitting in a correctional facility classroom with about 50 prisoners and a few volunteers - most of whom (at that time) appeared to me to be (elderly) church ladies.

To be continued...

Back From The Black

2006-07-08T08:10:00.000-05:00

Many thanks to Brad at Southern Expressions for letting me know my blog had disappeared into the void.

I have no idea what happened. I went to Blogger and republished it and it appeared.

More, later, I hope.

Have a good weekend.

Flip

Flat Flip Priming the Pump. Or Perhaps Not.

2006-07-04T15:10:00.000-05:00

Do you ever get in that kind of mood where you create all sorts of blog posts in your mind? Posts that are incredibly insightful, witty and / or thought-provoking. But for whatever reason they never come to pass? Maybe it's just me - the inveterate procrastinator-combined-with-grandiose-planner. "Gee, I've thought about it so it's as good as done." Except it's all in my head.

Well, I've had a particularly bad case of that lately. So I thought perhaps a list of topics / thoughts I've had might prime the pump. If nothing else it should make me feel as though I've accomplished something today.

Like "Flat Stanley" I sometimes feel that blogwise I'm "Flat Flip." Very two dimensional. Alcoholic. Bisexual. That about sums it up. Why read his blog when it's so predictable? But then why do I care? I'm not writing this for you. It's for me. Then why do I obsess about comments, etc. Oh yeah, Flat Flip is eternally conflicted, too. Ho hum.
I learned a lot from the comments on my last post about showing "Bi Pride."
I have currently revived with newfound vigor the pursuit of alignment with a more organized religion or spirituality to enhance my relationship with my higher power. Through various online and mental exercises I am currently investigating becoming a Liberal Quaker. How does that notion strike thee?
Last week I had dinner with Tom of The Truth About Tom. It was the first time I have met a fellow blogger (at least that I was aware of). It was really neat and I look forward to meeting Tom again sometime and other bloggers too.
My relationship with my kids and my wife continues to get better and better.
My wife's drinking drives me crazy. I have no reason to believe she is an alcoholic, and it wouldn't be up to me to diagnose even if she were. She rarely gets drunk. But she drinks regularly. I believe this is an opportunity for me to practice self-restraint and surrender.
I would like to have a better relationship with my older brother.
I would like to have a better relationship with my parents.
Although the service work I now do is related to restorative justice / volunteering in jails and prisons, I would like to do more in this area. This is one of a number of reasons I am drawn to Liberal Quakerism.
One of the healthy ways I relax is by watching airplane videos online. I know Jetboy probably understands this. Of course I'm not saying I don't watch other things online too...
I am going to be essentially unchaperoned for about a week later this month. Uh oh!
I strongly believe in synchronicity. To me it explains why I have met so many of you, why you are such a big part of my life, and a number of other happenings in my life that I believe are more than mere coincidence.
Justin's (Brad's honey who posts at Under Red Light - check it out!) experience in the shoe store continues to piss me off. I wish I could be in Memphis to go with him the next time he shops for shoes. This is one alcoholic who knows how to create a scene and I'm itching for a reason to do it...
The name of my blog sometimes really irritates me. Before starting it I probably thought of at least 100 different names. I was never completely satisfied, but one day I just had to start the blog AT THAT VERY MOMENT and Mobius Flip was my best choice at that time. I've been considering a name change.

Enough.

If any of the above ideas sounds interesting let me know. Perhaps that will be incentive for me to expand on them. Or perhaps not. Or perhaps you have another idea or question you would like me to answer. Or perhaps not. I hesitate to ask because it seems a little attention-whorish. Oh yeah, I just asked. Another dimension to Flat Flip...attention whore.

Cheers,

Flip

A Quiz

2006-06-28T08:24:00.000-05:00

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (quoting the Bible) says, "Faith without works is dead."

***********************************************************

QUIZ

Question 1 (fill in the blank) Pride without humble action is ________.

(My answer is "vain and cowardly.")

Question 2 (essay) Assume my intent is not to force the world to embrace me so that I can then embrace myself, but rather to make the world a kinder place for others in my situation so they can come out of the shadows and develop their full potential. And to help young people with similar feelings make decisions based on something other than society's prejudice.

What pride-inspired humble actions are indicated for a (no longer closeted) bisexual man married to a woman?

Since I don't have the answers this test will not be graded.

Why...

2006-06-25T09:14:00.000-05:00

...is this so difficult for some people to understand?

Thanks to Kelly for the photo and the passion behind it.

Today I'm proud to be me, just the way I am. And I'm grateful for everyone in my life who loves me just the way I am even when I can't.

Have a great day.

Flip

Did The Wind Just Shift?

2006-06-22T13:16:00.000-05:00

A couple of years ago I was newly sober and trying to extract myself from the insanity of living a full-fledged double life – wife, family and single boyfriend (to whose upkeep I was contributing significantly – see various and sundry earlier posts if you are interested, but it’s really more sad than fascinating).

I remember one conversation I had with my sponsor during that period when the end of my so-called relationship with aforementioned bf was not going very smoothly…at all. As I was complaining about the bf’s behavior and also mentioning my responses, retaliation, etc. my sponsor asked me what my goal was related to bf. I said, “I just want him out of my life,” to which he very wisely replied, “If you want him out of your life so much, why do you keep showing up in his?” Bingo. Ouch.

I bring this up because recently I have revived the goal of making my sexual preference and the associated conflicts it generates in my life as a man married to a woman (as much of) a non-issue (as possible). Meaning I would like to quit obsessing over finding the perfect solution to the situation, instead spending the energy and focus on other things.

So if my goal is to make this situation a non-issue, why do I keep making it an issue?

Why do I think about it constantly? Why do I talk about it so much to my therapist? Why do I blog about it incessantly? Although it is a big issue, perhaps a little right-sizing wouldn't hurt.

St. Francis is my hero. He is my Tiger Woods. I’m not an expert on St. Francis’ life. I’m not a Catholic. In fact I don’t even think I’m a Christian, though I certainly believe using Jesus as a role model is a great idea for any and all.

Regardless of those limitations, my goal is to eventually live a life as similar to (my shallow understanding of) St. Francis’ life as possible. Similar like owning as few possessions as possible. Like helping other people directly by sharing their struggles and their attempts to overcome those struggles. Like renouncing and fighting situations and forces that deny huge populations of people on this earth the chance to live lives imbued with even the most basic dignity.

Like a (very) novice golfer aspiring to retire on a golf course with no handicap, I have a long, long way to go. I’m fond of (way too many) creature comforts. I talk a lot about helping the downtrodden, but other than a once per week service work opportunity, it’s all talk. I work in an industry focused on encouraging ever-greater consumption by the haves. And I’ve got a lot of possessions I need to get rid of.

But it's a goal.

Yes, No, It Doesn't Matter

2006-06-18T04:49:00.000-05:00

Thanks to all for the insightful comments on my last post. I agree with each of your comments.

It seems the answer is more dependent on the respondent's interpretation and judgment of the question than on any absolute truth. Which perhaps, in theory, characterizes (to some degree at least?) any question which can be asked.

Hypoxic's reference to Bill W. reminded me that the way I answer the question - in fact perhaps my very need to ask the question - is an indicator of how well I am working my AA program (ie my spiritual condition) at that time. BTW, I'm talking about myself only. I'm not implying any judgment whatsoever of those who commented on the question!

I guess what I'm trying to say can be summed up in two AA suggestions. The one Hypoxic quoted, "To thine own self be true," and "Accept life on life's terms." When I'm working on those two objectives, the question I asked in my last post is irrelevant for me.

Would it...

2006-06-12T00:53:00.000-05:00

...be easier if I fit neatly into a recognizable category?

An Opportunity

2006-06-09T11:08:00.000-05:00

As I wrote yesterday, I don't know what love is. I'm not trying to make excuses for my behavior. It's just a statement of a fact from my perspective. And it's an opportunity.

Today's Touchstones passage refers to people's concept of romantic love vs. durable love. A couple of years ago I did not think I was in love with my wife. I thought maybe I had been at one time, but I really wasn't sure. As stated above I now realize I don't know what love is so I can't answer the question right now.

A couple of years ago when my wife appealed to me to give our marriage a chance out of respect for our 25+ year relationship, she gave me an opportunity to make a go of (re?)building a durable love with her.

From June 9 Touchstones:

Honesty and learning how to resolve difficulties
provide a solid foundation for durable love.
Some relationships do not survive the honesty
of recovery. Sometimes the development
of honest love only begins with recovery.
The love that endures, the love of real
intimacy, comes when we know the real person.
Loyalty to our loved ones may deepen as we
deal more and more with reality.

I am very grateful for the opportunity I have been given to build a durable love with the most special person in my life. I don't know what the outcome will be. But I've learned that I'm not responsible for the outcome as long as I focus on doing the next right thing.

Take care,

Flip

Why

2006-06-08T10:36:00.000-05:00

To Love Is To Bury
- Margo and Michael Timmons of The Cowboy Junkies

I buried him down by the river
'cause that's where he liked to be
and every night when the moon is high
I go there and weep openly
He and I were married
By this river 'neath this willow tree
and with God and friends witnessing it
He pledged his life to me
To me he was Earth
and I rooted in his soil
I to he was Sky vast and free
of the burdens from which he toiled
Then one night a terrible fight
Words spoken better left unsaid
With his wedding vows ringing in my ears
He gave his life to me
They say to love is to bury
Those demons from which we all hide
But tonight by this river 'neath this willow tree
Becoming one of Earth and Sky.

Why do I love this song? Love it possibly more than any other song I have ever heard?

Thinking of the title has always conjured a weird, excited, confused, uncomfortable feeling in me. Like the looking-down-from-the-very-top-of-the-biggest-hill-on the-rollercoaster feeling mixed with the losing-my-stomach feeling as we plunge down the hill. The way I feel when tryng to understand things which are for me paradoxical, such as Mobius strips. In fact the feeling reminds me of the feeling of that first supremely magically horrifying orgasm...when playing in the bathtub changed from being about rubber duckies to…..well you get the picture. I digress. Or maybe not.

When I was considering a blog of my own, one title I considered was, “To Love is to Bury.”

I do not understand Mobius strips. I realize they can be defined mathematically (cue friend Troll), which brings me no comfort whatsoever. I realize I can be defined chemically and physically, which brings me no comfort whatsoever. Simultaneous with my discomfort is a warm, enveloping comfort brought by that weird, excited feeling.

I have no faith that I will ever understand a Mobius strip. I may one day understand the mathematics. But I don’t think that weird dis(comfort) excitement confusion will go away. I hope it won’t. Except for those times I think I will absolutely die if it does not go away immediately.

What is love? I don’t know.

Although I don’t understand exactly what it means, I believe with all my heart and soul that to love is to bury those demons from which we all hide.

I love you

Flip

The Doctor's Opinion

2006-06-07T17:21:00.000-05:00

A few days ago I met with Dr. M, my esteemed shrink. We reviewed my recent observation of the progress I’ve made over the past 2+ years as discussed in my last post. As usual, we also discussed my sexual orientation and recent struggles with the temptations of anonymous sex and alcohol.

Feeling strangely optimistic, I asked the doctor for his prognosis.

He said, “I believe you will always struggle with this.”

I agree. And today I’m OK with that. In fact, I’m grateful for it. This queer...no, strike that...this bisexual (thanks Brad!) drunk has a chance to be the person he’s supposed to be. And I believe that person needs to have experienced the joys and the struggles I have experienced plus those I will face as long as I am given the gifts of sobriety and life.

It’s taken me a while to realize this…again. And I often forget it. (Hello past month).

I hope you’re having a good day. I am.

Flip

Progress

2006-06-04T16:30:00.000-05:00

During last weeks' trip out of town, late one night in my hotel room when I was feeling a bit lonely and sorry for myself, I sent my Flip-side, Brad over at Southern Expressions (I assume you all visit his porch regularly - if you don't, you should) an email. I'm hoping he doesn't mind if I quote a bit of what I wrote. I was really surprised how it tied in with the passage for yesterday in Touchstones, A Daily Meditation for Men .

Please forgive me for once again quoting from that book. I'm going to have to start paying royalties I quote from it so much, but it often really speaks to me.

Here's the June 3 Touchstones reading:

Almost anything you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that
you do it.
- Mohandas Ghandi

Looking back at yesterday, looking at today, what sense do we have of progress in our growth? Probably nothing very significant. Sometimes it is amazing how little a person can accomplish in a day's efforts. Yet, what alternative do we have? Only that we could do nothing. Or worse, we could return to our old ways.

Ghandi, one of the greatest spiritual leaders of our century, said he felt that almost anything one can do will be insignificant. Yet to do something is very important. Each day, each chance is small but takes us in a direction. When we look back over the last month or last year, we may see that only remaining faithful to our program, one day at a time, has carried us a very long way. The kind of person we each become is just as important as what we accomplish in the world around us.

May I learn to have patience with the insignificant moments in the
present. They are very important indeed.

And here's a slightly edited excerpt from my email:

...I've really calmed down a lot since my last visit here when I acted out
sexually. I think going to meetings every day and calling my sponsor every
day have helped. I've had some real cravings for a drink in the past
week. That's something I have rarely had over the past year and it has
really gotten my attention. Last night I went to an 11PM meeting here
in [Gotham City] - one that I went to a lot two years ago when I spent most of every week up here and I was first getting sober. I would stay up really late every night wandering around town instead of staying in my hotel room where my pattern for years was to drink until I passed out. Anyway, it's a really neat AA group because of the
diversity - late at night in a not necessarily good part of town. I really
enjoy those meetings because it is all about recovery. As I sat
there last night it was good for me to remember how utterly lost and
defeated I felt two years ago. I did not see any solution for the mess I
had made of my life. Often the only time I felt any peace was in
those meetings...

I am truly grateful for the gift of sobriety I have been given, and by the patience and love shown by those around me as I make progress.

Hope you are having a great day.

Flip